One of the most valuable lessons neuroscience and psychology teach us is this: Behaviour that is repeated over many years often becomes a deeply ingrained habit. Our brains become efficient at repeating behaviours that have produced a desired outcome in the past. Through reinforcement and habit formation, certain ways of thinking and acting can become… Read More Observe the Pattern, Not Just the Person
One of the strongest predictors of future behaviour is past behaviour. That doesn’t mean people can’t change—they can. But genuine change usually requires accountability, insight and sustained effort, not simply the passage of time. If someone has repeatedly used relationships to gain financially, manipulated others for money, or left a trail of disputes over finances, it… Read More Before You Commit, Look at the Pattern—Not Just the Promises
People who habitually deceive often rely on one thing above all else: A carefully constructed story. At first, that story may appear convincing. Details are rehearsed, explanations are polished, and confidence can make even unlikely claims sound believable. But neuroscience and psychology suggest there is a fundamental difference between remembering the truth and remembering a fabricated version of… Read More “Even the Best Actor Eventually Forgets Their Lines. The Truth Never Does.”
Sometimes, families have a phrase for someone whose behaviour is so consistent that it becomes part of their identity. One phrase I’ve heard is “Bare Minimum.” Not because the person lacked money. Not because they were unable to be generous. But because, regardless of the occasion, they gave the absolute minimum they believed they could get… Read More “Bare Minimum” – When Doing the Least Becomes a Way of Life
I often think back to our move from France to Spain with our two beautiful Labrador dogs. I had planned everything carefully. One of our Labradors was elderly and struggling to walk, so I made sure our overnight hotel in Perpignan had a ground-floor room. I wanted the journey to be as comfortable and stress-free… Read More The First Sign Nothing Had Changed
It’s an interesting transformation. For years, there always seemed to be something to say about someone else. Someone to report. Someone to criticise. Someone to blame. Someone whose reputation needed to be questioned. Someone who, in their eyes, had done them wrong. Then, one day… Silence. The person who was once so visible becomes what… Read More The Invisible Man
Sometimes, the greatest insight doesn’t come from what someone says to your face. It comes from what they write when they think no one is looking. Imagine opening an old backup drive and finding letter after letter. Some had been sent. Others had never left the page. As you read them, a pattern begins to… Read More The Letters That Told Their Own Story
At the beginning of the relationship, I listened with sympathy. I heard endless stories about the previous partner. According to them, she was the problem. She was “crazy.” She was violent. She stole from him. She hit him. She tried to force him out of the house. She was unintelligent. She was lazy. She was… Read More Looking Back, I Realise They Were Stories
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a new relationship is focusing only on how someone treats them. In the early stages, many people are on their best behaviour. Instead, widen the lens. Look at the quality of their relationships with the people who have known them the longest. While no single factor proves someone… Read More Look Beyond How They Treat You—Look at How They Live
Most people feel uncomfortable when they see another human being in pain. Empathy tells us to help. Compassion tells us to comfort. Conscience tells us that another person’s suffering matters. But not everyone responds that way. Some people seem to take satisfaction in another person’s misfortune. Others may quietly hope that someone fails, loses everything,… Read More When Someone Wants Others to Suffer: The Psychology of a Cruel Mind
