Children need guidance, boundaries and understanding. They should never have to learn obedience through fear, humiliation or physical aggression.

There are certain things in life that you witness which stay with you, not because you necessarily expect to become involved, but because something about what you see feels fundamentally wrong.

During my second marriage, I witnessed behaviour towards my young stepchildren that I found deeply upsetting. In particular, I was appalled by the aggression directed towards an eight-year-old boy. Smacking, hitting and verbal aggression were being used as methods of discipline.

I found it difficult to watch and, more importantly, I found it impossible to remain silent.

I voiced my concerns, believing that children deserve patience, guidance and an environment where they feel emotionally and physically safe.

The response I received was revealing. I was told that my own situation would have been different had I smacked my children when they misbehaved.

That comment stayed with me.

Apparently, in some people’s eyes, the absence of physical punishment is interpreted as a failure to discipline. I could not disagree more.

Discipline and intimidation are not the same thing.

A child who stops misbehaving because they are frightened of being hit has not necessarily learned right from wrong. They may simply have learned how to avoid the consequences of upsetting an adult.

And what does that teach them about relationships, authority, anger and the way we treat people who are smaller and more vulnerable than ourselves?

Physical punishment can create fear, shame, resentment and damage to the trust between a child and caregiver. Repeated verbal humiliation can be equally damaging to a child’s developing sense of self-worth.

Children are still learning how to manage their emotions. They will test boundaries, make mistakes, become frustrated and sometimes behave in ways that challenge even the most patient parent.

That is part of growing up.

Our responsibility as adults is to teach them how to manage those emotions, not demonstrate that anger gives us permission to use force.

What does healthier discipline look like?

There are alternatives that teach children responsibility without compromising their dignity:

• Emotion coaching: Helping children recognise, understand and regulate their feelings.
• Consistent boundaries: Making expectations clear and following through calmly.
• Natural consequences: Allowing children to understand the outcomes of their actions where safe and appropriate.
• Positive reinforcement: Recognising and encouraging positive behaviour.
• Repair and reflection: Teaching children to acknowledge mistakes, apologise and make things right.

None of this means permissive parenting or allowing children to do whatever they please. Children need boundaries. They need consistency. They need adults who are prepared to say no.

But they also need to feel loved, respected and safe.

The cycle we should be breaking

One of the most concerning responses to discussions about physical punishment is the familiar statement:

“I was smacked as a child and I turned out fine.”

Perhaps you did. But does that mean it was necessary? Does it mean it was harmless? And does it mean the next generation should experience the same?

Just because something was normalised in our own childhood does not make it right to repeat it.

We should be questioning practices that rely on fear rather than defending them simply because they were part of our upbringing.

Children do not have the emotional maturity, physical strength or independence of adults. They depend on us to protect them, guide them and model the behaviour we hope they will carry into adulthood.

A final thought

I have never believed that a child needs to be frightened of an adult to learn respect.

In fact, I believe the opposite.

A child should be able to respect a parent without fearing them, make mistakes without being humiliated and express difficult emotions without being subjected to aggression.

My concerns at the time were not about judging someone else’s parenting for the sake of it. They came from witnessing a vulnerable child being treated in a way I found unacceptable.

Perhaps the most important question we should ask ourselves is this:

Are we teaching our children how to behave, or are we simply teaching them to be afraid of what happens when they don’t?

The two are very different.

And if we genuinely want emotionally healthy, confident and respectful adults, perhaps we should start by showing children what respect actually looks like.

Children don’t need perfect parents. They need safe parents, emotionally responsible adults and the freedom to grow up without fear.