You don’t have to be physically assaulted for a relationship to be abusive.

Sometimes abuse looks like constant monitoring, financial control, intimidation, isolation or being made to feel that you can no longer make decisions for yourself.

This is often referred to as coercive control.

For many people over 40, recognising coercive control can be particularly difficult. The behaviour may have developed gradually over many years, becoming so normalised that you no longer recognise how restricted your life has become.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, restrict and control another person.

It isn’t necessarily one dramatic incident.

It can be a series of behaviours that gradually reduce your independence and make you feel that you have to manage the other person’s moods, reactions or demands.

You may find yourself thinking:

“It’s easier just to agree.”

“I don’t want to start another argument.”

“I have to be careful what I say.”

“I can’t do anything without explaining myself.”

Those thoughts can be important warning signs.

What Can Coercive Control Look Like?

It may involve:

• Monitoring your movements
• Checking your phone
• Controlling finances
• Deciding who you can see
• Criticising your friends or family
• Demanding constant explanations
• Controlling what you wear
• Preventing you from working
• Threatening you
• Deliberately creating fear
• Controlling access to transport
• Repeatedly questioning where you’ve been
• Using children or pets to exert control
• Threatening consequences if you don’t comply

Individually, some behaviours can appear insignificant.

The pattern is what matters.

Why Is It So Difficult to Recognise?

Coercive control rarely begins with someone saying, “I am going to control you.”

It may begin with something that appears caring.

Then it becomes questioning.

Then monitoring.

Then criticism.

Then restrictions.

Over time, your world can become smaller.

You may stop doing things simply because you know there will be an argument afterwards.

That is an important distinction.

You aren’t making a free choice.

You are making the choice that feels safest.

Coercive Control Can Affect Your Nervous System

Living in an unpredictable or controlling environment can leave you constantly alert to changes in mood, tone or behaviour.

You may become hypervigilant.

You may monitor the other person’s mood before deciding what to say.

You may feel anxious when your phone rings.

You may rehearse conversations in your head.

You may constantly ask yourself:

“What will happen if I say no?”

That is more than ordinary relationship conflict.

What Can You Do?

The first step is often simply recognising the pattern.

You don’t have to make an immediate decision about your relationship.

You can begin by talking confidentially with someone you trust or a suitably qualified professional.

Understanding what is happening can help you rebuild your sense of choice, boundaries and self-trust.

You Deserve a Relationship Based on Choice — Not Fear

A healthy relationship allows two people to have their own opinions, friendships, finances, boundaries and identity.

Love should not require you to surrender your freedom.

If you are beginning to question whether your relationship has become controlling, you don’t have to figure it out alone.