Of course, there is an important distinction to make. When we talk about divorce, lifestyle changes and the financial consequences of ending a long-term relationship, we must recognise that not everyone leaves because they have simply fallen out of love or decided they want something different.

When abuse is involved, leaving is not always a straightforward choice. It can be a matter of survival.

Some people remain in abusive relationships because they are frightened, financially dependent, emotionally exhausted, concerned about their children, or convinced that leaving will make matters worse. Others make a conscious decision to stay because, for them, the perceived cost of leaving feels greater than the cost of remaining.

We must be careful not to judge those who stay. We rarely know the full extent of what they are facing, the risks they have assessed or the options available to them.

But for those who decide they can no longer live that way, the battle may only just be beginning.

They may have spent years enduring psychological abuse, coercive control, intimidation, humiliation, financial restriction or physical violence. They may have gradually lost their confidence, independence, friendships and sense of identity. They may have spent years adapting their behaviour to keep the peace, anticipating another person’s reactions and trying to prevent the next incident.

Eventually, they leave.

People may congratulate them on their courage, assume they are now safe and believe that the worst is behind them.

But leaving an abusive relationship does not necessarily mean the abuse, its consequences or the struggle to rebuild a life will end.

The battle that can follow

For some survivors, the years following separation can bring a different set of challenges.

• Legal proceedings: Divorce, financial settlements, property disputes and criminal proceedings can take months or years, depending on the circumstances.
• Financial recovery: Rebuilding savings, securing housing, restoring financial independence and recovering from economic abuse can be extremely difficult.
• Continued intimidation or harassment: In some cases, the former partner may continue unwanted contact, threats, stalking or attempts to exert control after separation.
• Repeated legal difficulties: Where protective orders are in place, alleged breaches may require evidence gathering, reporting and further legal involvement.
• Reputational damage: Survivors may face denial, blame, false narratives or attempts to discredit their accounts.
• Family estrangement: Children, relatives and mutual friends may take sides, misunderstand the situation or refuse to acknowledge what happened.
• Psychological recovery: Even after physical safety has improved, the effects of prolonged fear and stress can take considerable time to resolve.
• The exhaustion of constantly explaining: Survivors may find themselves repeatedly having to recount painful experiences to professionals, authorities, lawyers or people who question their decisions.
• The loss of time: Years can be spent dealing with consequences that the survivor never chose and never wanted.

And all of this can happen while the survivor is trying to work, maintain a home, manage finances, rebuild friendships and create a new future.

The person who leaves may have to rebuild almost every aspect of their life, while the person they left may continue to occupy a disproportionate amount of their time, energy and attention.

That can feel profoundly unfair.

When the relationship ends but the struggle continues

One of the hardest realities to understand is that the person who leaves may have made a clear decision to end the relationship, yet still be forced to deal with its consequences for years afterwards.

They may have to sell a home, divide assets, pursue financial entitlements, enforce legal protections or respond to ongoing disputes. They may have to document incidents, preserve messages, seek legal advice and repeatedly demonstrate why boundaries are necessary.

They may also have to cope with the emotional impact of watching other people accept a distorted version of events, particularly when those people have never witnessed what happened behind closed doors.

For some, the process is further complicated by children or extended family relationships that have been damaged over many years.

There is no universal timeline for these difficulties. Some survivors achieve safety and stability relatively quickly; others encounter prolonged legal, financial or interpersonal challenges.

But it is important to recognise that the survivor does not necessarily get to decide when the battle is over.

They can decide not to return. They can refuse reconciliation. They can work towards a new life. Yet certain practical and legal matters may remain unresolved, and some former partners may continue trying to exert influence or control.

This is why separation from an abusive partner can be a particularly vulnerable period, and why safety planning, appropriate legal advice and specialist support matter.

The hidden cost of choosing freedom

When people discuss the consequences of divorce, they often focus on money, property, holidays and living standards.

For survivors of abuse, the costs may be much greater.

There can be the cost of rebuilding confidence after years of being undermined. The cost of therapy. The cost of legal representation. The cost of relocating or securing a home. The cost of time spent dealing with proceedings and protecting personal safety.

There can also be a profound emotional cost: grieving the years lost, the relationships damaged, the opportunities missed and the life that might have been possible if the abuse had never occurred.

And yet, despite these costs, many survivors know that leaving was necessary.

They are not fighting because they want to remain connected to the person who hurt them. They are fighting because they want to be safe, regain their independence, resolve outstanding matters and move forward without continued interference.

They are fighting for the right to live an ordinary life.

Freedom is not always immediate

We should never tell survivors that leaving is easy, that they should simply move on, or that the end of a relationship automatically brings closure.

Sometimes the first achievement is getting out. The next is becoming safe. After that may come the long process of rebuilding finances, restoring confidence, addressing legal matters and learning to live without constantly anticipating danger.

Progress is not always linear, and a difficult day does not mean that recovery has failed.

Nor should survivors be expected to demonstrate endless strength simply because they have survived something terrible. They deserve support, practical assistance and the opportunity to live without having to fight every day.

The goal is not to become exceptionally good at surviving abuse. The goal is to reach a point where survival is no longer the central task of everyday life.

Because when abuse has taken years from someone, freedom should not have to mean sacrificing the rest of their life to the consequences.

And perhaps that is the most important point of all: when someone leaves an abusive relationship, we should not ask only why they stayed for so long or whether they have moved on yet.

We should ask what they need to become safe, rebuild their lives and finally have the peace they were trying to find when they left.