There is something we should never have to ask permission for:

The right to make our own decisions about our own lives.

You have the right to decide where you live.

You have the right to decide who you see.

You have the right to maintain relationships with your family.

You have the right to choose your friends.

You have the right to decide how you spend your money.

You have the right to work, rest, travel, socialise and pursue the things that bring meaning to your life.

And you have the right to say no.

These may sound like ordinary freedoms. They are.

But within an abusive or coercively controlling relationship, these basic freedoms can gradually be taken away.

You should never be forced out of your own home

Your home should be somewhere you feel safe.

You should not be intimidated, threatened or manipulated into leaving your home because someone else wants to control where you live.

You should not have to abandon your belongings, your routines, your community or the life you have built because another person has decided that you no longer have the right to be there.

Your home is not a bargaining tool for someone else’s control.

You have the right to see your family

Nobody should deliberately isolate you from the people who love and support you.

Being pressured not to visit your children, grandchildren, siblings, parents or other relatives can be devastating.

It may begin subtly:

“They don’t really care about you.”

“Your family is interfering.”

“You spend too much time with them.”

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t see them.”

Over time, these messages can create isolation.

You may find yourself avoiding your family simply to prevent an argument.

That is not freely choosing your relationships.

That is control.

You have the right to choose your friends

You are entitled to friendships outside your relationship.

You do not need permission to have friends.

You do not need to justify every conversation.

You should not have to give up people you care about because somebody else is jealous, possessive or suspicious.

Healthy relationships allow two people to have their own identities, friendships and interests.

Love does not require isolation.

You have the right to control your own finances

Financial control is still control.

You have the right to know what money you have.

You have the right to access your own finances.

You have the right to make reasonable decisions about what you spend.

You should not be forced to account for every euro, pound or dollar simply because somebody else believes they have the right to control you.

Financial independence can be an essential part of personal freedom.

When someone controls your access to money, they can make you feel trapped.

And when you regain financial autonomy, something changes.

You begin to realise:

I can make decisions for myself.

I can provide for myself.

I can choose my own future.

You have the right to live without fear

Perhaps the most important freedom is the freedom to make decisions without being frightened about what will happen afterwards.

You should not have to calculate every word.

You should not have to monitor someone’s mood.

You should not have to change your behaviour to prevent an explosion of anger.

You should not have to surrender your choices simply because saying “no” may result in punishment, intimidation, withdrawal of money or emotional retaliation.

That isn’t partnership.

That is control.

Taking back your autonomy

Recovery from coercive control is often about reclaiming the ordinary choices that were gradually taken away.

Where will I live?

Who will I see?

Who are my friends?

What will I spend my money on?

What will I wear?

Where will I go?

What will I say?

What do I want?

What do I think?

These questions may seem simple.

For someone who has lived under prolonged control, they can be revolutionary.

Because every decision you make for yourself is a small declaration:

I belong to myself.

And perhaps that is one of the most important things to remember after abuse:

You don’t need to become someone else’s idea of who you should be.

You don’t need permission to have a life.

You don’t need permission to have people you love.

You don’t need permission to spend your own money responsibly.

You don’t need permission to make choices about your future.

You have the right to autonomy.

You have the right to dignity.

You have the right to freedom from coercion.

And you have the right to build a life in which your decisions are your own.

Your life belongs to you.

Not to your partner.

Not to your family.

Not to anyone who believes they have the right to control you.

To you.

And sometimes healing begins with the simplest, most powerful sentence of all:

“I am allowed to choose.”