Sometimes you don’t need someone to shout.

You don’t need someone to threaten you.

You don’t even need them to be in the same room.

Sometimes the knowledge that they are there is enough.

That is the power of intimidation.

And after experiencing abuse, one of the greatest reliefs can be discovering what life feels like when you are finally protected from it.

I Wasn’t Surprised Everything Was Done Electronically

Looking back, I wasn’t surprised that so much was handled through power of attorney and electronic signatures.

The belongings were collected by the lawyer.

The house sale was completed electronically.

The divorce paperwork was handled electronically.

There was no need for us to be standing together in the same building.

And frankly?

It was an enormous relief.

Not being in the same building as him — never mind being in the same room — removed an enormous amount of pressure.

Because when someone has intimidated you for a long time, physical proximity can be incredibly powerful.

You know they’re there.

You know they could walk through the door.

You are watching the door.

You’re listening for footsteps.

You’re anticipating what might happen next.

Your body can respond before your conscious mind has even had time to think.

That is what intimidation does.

Intimidation Doesn’t Always Look Like Threatening Behaviour

This is something people don’t always understand about abuse.

Intimidation isn’t necessarily someone standing over you shouting.

It can be a look.

A silence.

A particular tone of voice.

Standing too close.

Blocking a doorway.

Slamming something down.

Driving aggressively.

Making you feel watched.

Using their physical presence to make you uncomfortable.

Creating an atmosphere where you are constantly thinking:

“What happens if I say no?”

And perhaps the most powerful form of intimidation is when you no longer need them to do anything at all.

You have learned what they are capable of.

Your nervous system remembers.

That Is Why Separation Matters

Protective arrangements exist for a reason.

Where there is a restraining or protective order and belongings need to be collected, arrangements may be made so the protected person is not placed in direct contact with the person subject to the order.

In court proceedings involving victims of domestic abuse, protective measures may also be used to prevent unnecessary face-to-face contact or intimidation.

The details vary according to the circumstances and the legal system involved, but the principle is important:

A victim should not have to face the person who has intimidated or abused them simply because there is official business to deal with.

Protection is not preferential treatment.

It is about creating conditions in which someone can participate without being frightened, pressured or intimidated.

Imagine Having to Face Your Abuser to Sell Your House

Think about that for a moment.

You’ve survived the relationship.

You’ve finally reached the point where you are leaving.

And then you are expected to sit across a table from the person who has caused you fear while discussing the sale of your home.

Sign here.

Agree to this.

Discuss that.

Look them in the eye.

Listen to their voice.

Watch their reactions.

Perhaps they smile.

Perhaps they stare.

Perhaps they say nothing at all.

And everyone else in the room thinks:

“It’s only paperwork.”

But to the person who has experienced abuse, it isn’t only paperwork.

The body remembers.

The Relief of Not Having to See Them

That is why completing things through lawyers, representatives and electronic processes can be such a relief.

There is no confrontation.

No uncomfortable meeting.

No opportunity for intimidation.

No wondering what mood they will be in.

No sitting in the same room pretending everything is perfectly normal.

You can simply get on with what needs to be done.

And breathe.

Sometimes freedom feels surprisingly ordinary.

You sign a document.

You send an email.

The lawyer collects the belongings.

The transaction is completed.

The divorce progresses.

And suddenly you realise:

I don’t have to see him.

What an extraordinary feeling.

Intimidation Is About Power

At its heart, intimidation is about power.

It communicates:

“I can make you uncomfortable.”

“I can make you afraid.”

“I can control what happens in this room.”

“You have to think about my reaction.”

And once you’ve lived with that for long enough, you can start organising your entire life around avoiding it.

You choose your words carefully.

You avoid certain subjects.

You monitor their mood.

You change your plans.

You keep the peace.

You make yourself smaller.

You become an expert in preventing explosions that may never actually happen.

That is exhausting.

The Goal Isn’t to Be Fearless

Healing doesn’t mean pretending you were never frightened.

It doesn’t mean forcing yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable to prove that you’re strong.

Sometimes strength looks like saying:

“I don’t need to be in the same room with this person.”

Sometimes strength looks like allowing your lawyer to deal with it.

Sometimes strength looks like using the protective measures available to you.

Sometimes strength is simply closing the door and realising:

They don’t have access to me anymore.

And That Is the Real Victory

The greatest victory isn’t making an abuser afraid.

It isn’t getting revenge.

It isn’t winning an argument.

It isn’t proving that you were right.

It is getting to the point where their presence no longer controls your life.

Where you don’t have to anticipate their mood.

Where you don’t have to explain yourself.

Where you don’t have to negotiate your safety.

Where other people can deal with the practical matters while you get on with rebuilding your life.

Because intimidation only works when someone still has access to you.

Take away the access, and you take away much of the power.

I have learned that I don’t need to stand in the same room to prove anything.

I don’t need to confront someone to demonstrate strength.

I don’t need to engage.

I don’t need to explain.

I don’t need to be intimidated.

I simply need to protect my peace.

And sometimes the most powerful sentence a survivor can say is:

“You no longer have access to me.”

That isn’t weakness.

That’s freedom.