I’d Rather Be Alone Than Compromise

There comes a point in life when you finally stop negotiating with nonsense.

I’ve reached mine.

I am no longer putting up with bad behaviour, empty promises, abuse of any kind, meanness, misery or miserly behaviour.

And before anyone gets worried, no — I haven’t suddenly become difficult.

I’ve simply become awake.

I Don’t Want a Project

I’m not looking for a man I can fix.

I’ve retired from the position of Chief Executive Officer of Turning Difficult Men Into Decent Human Beings.

The company is closed.

There will be no further investment.

I don’t want to hear:

“That’s just how I am.”

“I’m not good at relationships.”

“You’ll have to be patient with me.”

“I’ll change.”

“Things will be different.”

Wonderful.

Let me know when the change has actually happened.

I don’t invest in promises anymore.

I invest in evidence.

Empty Promises Are Not Currency

I’ve learned that some people are incredibly generous with promises.

They hand them out like confetti.

“I’ll call.”

“I’ll come.”

“I’ll help.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“I’ll do better.”

And then…

Nothing.

At this stage of my life, I don’t need another man giving me a beautifully worded subscription service to disappointment.

If you say you’ll do something, do it.

It’s remarkably attractive.

Meanness Is a Deal Breaker

I don’t mean someone having an occasional bad day.

We’re all human.

I’m talking about people who seem to have made misery their personality.

The constant criticism.

The negativity.

The little digs.

The lack of generosity.

The inability to be happy for anyone else.

The person who can find a problem with absolutely everything.

Sunshine?

“Too hot.”

Rain?

“Too wet.”

Restaurant?

“Too expensive.”

Restaurant bill?

“Why did you order that?”

Holiday?

“Waste of money.”

Nice bottle of wine?

“Do we really need that?”

At some point you have to ask yourself:

Am I dating a man or auditing a spreadsheet?

And Then There’s Miserly…

Being financially sensible is one thing.

Being miserly is another.

I’m not interested in someone counting every penny while simultaneously expecting me to provide the emotional warmth, companionship, cooking, organising, entertaining and general sparkle.

No thank you.

I don’t need a man to spend a fortune on me.

But generosity isn’t only about money.

It’s generosity of spirit.

Generosity with time.

Generosity with affection.

Generosity with kindness.

Generosity with effort.

You can have very little money and still have an enormous heart.

And you can have plenty of money and be tighter than a jar nobody can open.

I’ll take the big heart.

Abuse of Any Kind?

Absolutely not.

Physical.

Emotional.

Psychological.

Financial.

Verbal.

Coercive.

Controlling.

Manipulative.

Intimidating.

No.

There is no prize for enduring it.

There is no medal for being the woman who stayed the longest.

And there is certainly no obligation to prove how loving you are by tolerating behaviour that destroys your peace.

Love should never require you to abandon yourself.

I Would Rather Be Alone

This is perhaps the biggest change of all.

I genuinely would rather be alone than compromise myself to keep someone else.

I’d rather eat dinner alone than sit opposite someone who makes me miserable.

I’d rather sleep alone than lie beside someone who makes me feel lonely.

I’d rather spend a Saturday night with my dog than spend it with someone who drains the life out of me.

I’d rather have an empty side of the bed than fill it with the wrong person.

And frankly…

my dog has better emotional intelligence than some men I’ve dated.

At least she doesn’t make empty promises.

I’m Not Asking for Too Much

I’m asking for the basics.

Kindness.

Respect.

Honesty.

Consistency.

Affection.

Generosity.

Emotional maturity.

A sense of humour.

And the ability to behave like an adult when something doesn’t go their way.

Apparently, in some corners of the dating world, this is an extremely demanding shopping list.

I disagree.

I don’t want extraordinary.

I want healthy.

My Standards Have Changed

I used to ask:

“Can I make this work?”

Now I ask:

“Does this actually work for me?”

I used to think about what someone needed from me.

Now I also consider what I need from them.

I used to give endless chances.

Now I give people the opportunity to show me who they are.

And I pay attention.

Because the older I get, the less interested I am in wasting precious time trying to turn the wrong relationship into the right one.

My new philosophy is very simple:

If your behaviour makes me miserable, I’m out.

If your promises never become actions, I’m out.

If you’re mean, controlling, cruel or abusive, I’m out.

If everything is about what you want while my needs are treated as an inconvenience, I’m out.

If I constantly feel anxious, confused, diminished or exhausted, I’m out.

And if I have to keep convincing myself that you’re actually a good choice…

you’re probably not.

I Don’t Fear Being Alone Anymore

That’s the freedom.

I no longer see being alone as the worst possible outcome.

Being with the wrong person is.

Because being alone can be peaceful.

Being alone can be joyful.

Being alone can mean freedom.

Being alone can mean sleeping peacefully, spending your money how you choose, making your own decisions, laughing loudly, eating what you want and never having to explain why you bought another cushion.

And nobody complains about the cushions.

Bliss.

So no, I am not going to compromise just because someone happens to be available.

Available isn’t enough.

I want someone who is kind.

Someone whose actions match his words.

Someone who adds to my life rather than subtracting from it.

Someone who understands that love isn’t control, kindness isn’t weakness and generosity isn’t stupidity.

And if that person doesn’t come along?

I’m perfectly happy on my own.

Because I’ve finally learned the most important relationship rule of all: