By Linda CJ Turner | Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner
Why do people who once promised to spend their lives together eventually decide to separate?
Is it boredom? Financial pressure? Infidelity? A loss of sexual attraction? Emotional neglect? The desire for freedom? Or have some people been unhappy for years without their partner ever fully realising it?
Divorce is often discussed as though there must be one clear reason. In reality, relationships can break down through a combination of circumstances, unmet needs, changing expectations and repeated behaviours.
What do the European statistics tell us?
Eurostat reported approximately 700,000 divorces across the European Union in 2024, representing an annual rate of 1.6 divorces per 1,000 inhabitants.
The rate differs between countries. In 2024, Latvia recorded 2.8 divorces per 1,000 inhabitants, while Malta recorded 0.9. Spain’s rate was approximately 1.7.
These figures measure annual divorces in relation to the population. They do not tell us what proportion of marriages will eventually end, or why individual couples separated.
Official European statistics are useful for understanding the scale of divorce. Understanding its causes requires a different kind of research: asking people about their relationships and the circumstances that led them to leave.
What are the common reasons relationships break down?
European research, including a Dutch study of 1,718 divorced men and women, has examined relationship difficulties, behavioural problems and the division of work and household responsibilities.
When considering why a marriage may end, several important themes deserve attention.
1. Emotional disconnection
Two people can share a home and daily routine while becoming increasingly distant emotionally. One or both may feel lonely, unappreciated or unable to communicate openly.
2. Repeated conflict
Unresolved arguments, resentment, criticism and a lack of mutual respect can gradually erode a relationship.
3. Infidelity and broken trust
An affair or repeated dishonesty may undermine the sense of security on which a relationship depends.
4. Financial difficulties
Disagreements about debt, spending, saving and financial responsibilities can create sustained tension. Financial control or economic abuse can be particularly damaging.
5. Unequal responsibilities
When one partner feels responsible for most of the domestic work, childcare, caring duties or emotional support, resentment can build over time.
6. Sexual difficulties
Differences in sexual desire, a loss of intimacy, changes in attraction or incompatible expectations can become sources of distress, particularly when partners cannot discuss them honestly and respectfully.
7. Changing priorities
People change throughout their lives. Their ambitions, interests, identities and expectations of the future may no longer align.
8. Wanting independence or a different life
Some people want more freedom, new experiences or a life outside the relationship. Others discover that they no longer want to remain married, even when there has been no single dramatic event.
9. Abuse and coercive control
Some people leave because they have experienced intimidation, threats, humiliation, isolation, financial control or physical violence. These experiences must not be treated as ordinary relationship disagreements.
Why do some people leave after 20 or 30 years together?
A long marriage does not necessarily mean that both partners have been equally happy throughout it.
One person may have been trying to repair the relationship for years, while the other has gradually withdrawn. Sometimes both partners recognise the difficulties but cannot find a way forward. In other situations, the decision to leave comes as a shock to one partner.
Spain’s 2025 divorce statistics illustrate the importance of looking beyond younger couples: 31.2% of marriages ending in divorce had lasted 20 years or more, and the average duration of a marriage ending in divorce was 16.2 years.
These figures do not tell us why those marriages ended. They do remind us that a shared history of decades does not guarantee that a relationship will continue.
Do men and women leave for different reasons?
It is tempting to assume that men leave for freedom or another partner while women leave because of emotional neglect or abuse. Real relationships are more complicated than these stereotypes.
Men and women can both experience loneliness, loss of attraction, dissatisfaction, infidelity, financial stress or a desire for independence. They can also both be responsible for harmful behaviour, and either partner may be the one who decides to leave.
The Dutch research found that relational and psychological motives had become increasingly important, particularly among women, while difficulties involving work and household responsibilities also mattered.
This does not mean that every woman leaves for emotional reasons or that men are less affected by relationship problems. Individual experiences vary, and research findings depend on the population and period studied.
What if one partner believes the relationship was good?
This is one of the most difficult situations to understand.
A person may believe they were a loving and loyal partner, only to discover that their spouse wants to leave. They may wonder whether there was another person, whether their partner had been unhappy in secret, or whether the years together meant as much to them as they did to their spouse.
Sometimes the couple experienced the relationship differently. Sometimes concerns were never communicated clearly. Sometimes one partner concealed important information. And sometimes the relationship was genuinely loving but no longer right for one person.
A separation alone cannot tell us which explanation applies.
It is also important to recognise that a relationship that looks happy to friends and family may feel very different to the person living within it. Equally, someone who leaves may have been a loving partner who simply no longer wants to continue.
Questions worth asking
If you are trying to understand a relationship that has ended, consider:
- Did we both feel loved, respected and emotionally safe?
- Could we discuss difficult subjects honestly?
- Were responsibilities and sacrifices shared fairly?
- Were there patterns of dishonesty, control, neglect or betrayal?
- Did we both make genuine efforts to address our difficulties?
- Am I searching for evidence, or trying to fill gaps in my understanding with assumptions?
- What have I learned about the kind of relationship I need in the future?
These questions are not about finding someone to blame at any cost. They are about understanding the reality of the relationship and recognising what you want to do differently.
The conclusion
Statistics can tell us how many people divorce, how rates vary across countries and how long marriages lasted before ending. Research can help us understand the difficulties people report.
Neither can explain every individual separation.
Behind every statistic are people with their own experiences, hopes, disappointments and reasons for making difficult decisions.
A relationship ending does not automatically mean that either partner was a bad person. But where there has been abuse, coercion or intimidation, it is important to recognise the harm rather than reduce it to a simple incompatibility.
Understanding why relationships end can help us make better choices, recognise unhealthy patterns and approach future relationships with greater awareness.
The aim is not simply to understand why someone left. It is to understand what happened, what we need and how we want to live and love in the future.
Sources: Eurostat, Demography of Europe 2026; Spain’s National Statistics Institute (INE), Statistics on Annulments, Separations and Divorces 2025; de Graaf and Kalmijn, “Divorce Motives in a Period of Rising Divorce,” Journal of Family Issues (2006).
This article is for educational and reflective purposes. It does not diagnose relationships or determine the cause of an individual divorce.
