One of the questions I am asked most often is:

“How can I spot an abuser before I become emotionally invested?”

The truth is that many abusive people do not reveal who they really are on the first date. If they did, very few people would choose to continue the relationship.

Instead, abuse often begins with charm, attention, and what appears to be genuine affection. Only later does control gradually replace kindness.

The good news is that there are often early warning signs—if you know what to look for.

1. They Move Too Fast

You have only just met, yet they are talking about moving in together, marriage, or telling you that you are their soulmate.

It may feel romantic, but healthy relationships develop over time. Genuine trust cannot be rushed.

2. They Want All of Your Time

At first it feels flattering.

They constantly text, call, and want to know where you are. They say they simply “miss you.”

Gradually, they become unhappy when you spend time with friends, family, or hobbies.

Love should never require isolation.

3. They Don’t Respect Boundaries

Healthy people respect the word “no.”

An abusive person often sees boundaries as something to push, question, or ignore.

Whether it’s your time, privacy, finances, or physical boundaries, repeated disregard is a significant warning sign.

4. Everything Is Someone Else’s Fault

Listen carefully when they talk about former partners.

If every ex was “crazy,” “toxic,” “a narcissist,” or “the problem,” ask yourself why they have never accepted responsibility for anything.

Emotionally mature people can usually acknowledge their own mistakes.

5. They Need to Control the Narrative

Pay attention to whether their stories change depending on the audience.

Do they exaggerate? Contradict themselves? Constantly portray themselves as the victim?

Honesty is usually consistent.

Manipulation often isn’t.

6. They Become Jealous Very Quickly

They question who you are talking to.

They dislike your friendships.

They check your phone or social media.

They disguise possessiveness as love.

Jealousy is not proof of love.

It is often about control.

7. They Cannot Handle Rejection

A healthy person accepts disappointment.

An abusive person may become angry, sulk, guilt-trip you, or try to punish you simply because you said no or changed your plans.

Their reaction tells you far more than the situation itself.

8. They Lack Empathy

Notice how they treat:

• Waiting staff.
• Shop assistants.
• Family members.
• Animals.
• People who have nothing to offer them.

Kindness shown only to impress you is not the same as genuine empathy.

9. They Ignore Your Intuition

One of the biggest mistakes many survivors make is explaining away their discomfort.

If something feels “off,” don’t ignore it.

Your intuition is often recognising subtle patterns before your conscious mind can explain them.

10. Their Words and Actions Don’t Match

This may be the biggest red flag of all.

Anyone can make