The warning signs you may not recognise until you finally speak out
By Linda CJ Turner | Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner
I want to talk about something I know from personal experience.
When you have lived with abuse for many years, your perception of what is normal can gradually change. You adapt. You make excuses. You learn to avoid certain subjects, manage someone else’s moods and think carefully about what you say and do to prevent another argument or incident.
You become so accustomed to living that way that you may not fully recognise the seriousness of your situation.
You may know you are unhappy. You may know that you are frightened, exhausted or walking on eggshells. But recognising that you are living in a potentially dangerous situation can be an entirely different matter.
Sometimes, it takes finally speaking to a professional who understands domestic abuse and coercive control to begin seeing the bigger picture.
That was my experience.
It took me many years to open up fully to a professional about what I had been living with. When I finally did, it was terrifying to understand the level of danger I had been in.
When the Guardia Civil became involved, examined the evidence and carried out a further assessment, the seriousness of the situation became unmistakable to me. That assessment helped me understand what I had struggled to recognise for myself. It was particularly distressing when a member of my former partner’s family had been trying to convince me otherwise.
This is why I want to share the warning signs that can be so difficult to recognise when you are still inside an abusive relationship.
You do not have to wait until you are physically injured, threatened with death or facing an emergency before asking for help.
Warning signs you may be in more danger than you realise
1. They discourage you from confiding in friends and family
Do they become angry when you speak to people you trust? Do they criticise your friends, create arguments before visits or make you feel guilty for discussing your relationship with anyone?
Isolation can make it harder to recognise abuse and access help. If you find yourself hiding what happens at home because you fear your partner’s reaction, pay attention to that feeling.
2. They insist on accompanying you to medical appointments
Does your partner insist on being beside you every time you visit your doctor or attend hospital? Do they answer questions on your behalf, interrupt you or appear uncomfortable when a professional wants to speak to you alone?
There can be perfectly innocent reasons for accompanying someone to appointments. However, if you are never allowed privacy, feel unable to speak honestly or suspect that your partner is monitoring what you disclose, this deserves attention.
You have the right to ask a healthcare professional to speak with you privately.
3. They never leave you alone with their family or friends
Do they appear anxious about you spending time alone with their relatives? Do they interrupt conversations, remain beside you throughout visits or become angry if you develop an independent relationship with someone close to them?
This behaviour does not prove that they are concealing abuse. But if you feel deliberately prevented from speaking freely, consider why you feel unable to have an ordinary private conversation.
4. You carefully manage everything you say and do
Do you constantly assess their mood before speaking? Do you change your plans, hide harmless activities or remain silent because you are frightened of the consequences?
When you organise your entire life around preventing another person’s reaction, it is worth asking whether you are genuinely free to make your own decisions.
5. You have become accustomed to behaviour that once shocked you
Perhaps the shouting, insults, threats, humiliation or controlling behaviour have become part of everyday life.
You may tell yourself that things are not that bad because there has been no recent physical violence, or because other people seem to have worse experiences.
Abuse does not need to reach a particular level of severity before it deserves attention.
6. They control what other people know about your relationship
Do you feel unable to tell the truth about what happens at home? Are you worried about what your partner will do if you disclose the abuse?
Do they present a completely different version of themselves to professionals, neighbours, friends or relatives?
A difference between public and private behaviour does not establish abuse on its own. But secrecy, intimidation and fear of speaking out can leave you increasingly isolated.
7. They monitor your money, movements or communications
Do they control your access to money, take your keys, monitor your telephone or question where you have been? Do they make it difficult for you to arrange transport, seek advice or leave independently?
These behaviours may be part of coercive control, particularly when several occur together and restrict your freedom.
8. You are frightened of what will happen if you leave
Have you been threatened with losing your home, money, pets, children or family relationships? Has your partner threatened to harm you, themselves or someone you love if you leave?
Threats involving serious harm, stalking, previous violence or escalating intimidation require particular attention. Do not assume that someone is bluffing simply because they have made similar threats before.
9. You find yourself defending the person who is hurting you
You may explain their behaviour by referring to stress, illness, alcohol, difficult childhood experiences or other pressures.
Those circumstances may be relevant to understanding a person’s behaviour, but they do not make abuse acceptable.
You can have compassion for someone and still recognise that their behaviour is dangerous or harmful.
10. You have lost confidence in your own judgement
You may question your memory, minimise incidents or wonder whether you are exaggerating. You may have been told repeatedly that you are the problem.
If you feel confused about what is happening, an independent professional can help you examine the facts without the influence of your partner or their family.
11. They prevent you from speaking privately to professionals
If you cannot safely speak to your doctor, a social worker, a lawyer or a domestic abuse specialist, that is an important barrier to getting help.
You can tell a professional that you need to speak alone. If it is unsafe to ask in front of your partner, consider contacting a service privately when you have a safe opportunity.
12. You are experiencing escalating threats, stalking or physical violence
Previous strangulation, threats to kill, stalking, weapon threats, escalating assaults and violence around separation are serious warning signs.
You do not need to wait for these behaviours to happen more than once before seeking urgent help.
Why it can take years to speak out
People sometimes ask why someone did not tell their doctor, their friends or the police earlier.
There is no single answer.
You may be frightened of the consequences. You may feel ashamed, confused or protective of the person who is hurting you. You may believe that nobody will understand. You may have spent years being told that you are the problem.
You may also have become so accustomed to the situation that you no longer recognise how abnormal or dangerous it has become.
Speaking out can mean confronting a reality you have struggled to acknowledge. It can also mean accepting that someone you love, or once trusted, may be capable of behaviour you never imagined.
For me, opening up to a professional after so many years was terrifying. Having the Guardia Civil involved and seeing the situation assessed in light of the evidence helped me understand its seriousness.
An independent professional can sometimes recognise a pattern of danger that is difficult to see when you are living inside it every day.
That is one reason why confidential, specialist support matters.
Do not rely on a family member’s opinion to determine your safety
A relative may genuinely believe that their loved one would never cause serious harm. They may know a very different side of that person, or they may find it difficult to accept what you are telling them.
Some relatives are supportive and helpful. Others may minimise what has happened or pressure you to remain silent.
Their opinion does not replace an independent assessment of the evidence, the behaviour and the risk to your safety.
You do not have to persuade your partner’s family that abuse occurred before you are entitled to seek help.
What I want you to understand
If any of these warning signs feel familiar, please do not dismiss them simply because you have lived with them for years.
You do not have to decide for yourself whether your situation meets a particular definition of high risk. You do not have to wait for another incident to prove that your fears are justified.
Speak to a professional who understands domestic abuse and coercive control. Tell them what has happened, including the details you may have found too frightening or embarrassing to share before.
If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services. If you are planning to leave a potentially dangerous relationship, seek specialist safety planning rather than confronting the person or announcing your intentions if that could increase the risk.
In Spain, call 112 in an emergency. The 016 domestic violence support service can provide information and guidance on available support.
If your telephone or communications may be monitored, consider how to contact help safely.
A final message from me
It took me many years to speak openly about what I had experienced. When I finally did, I began to understand the seriousness of the situation in a way I had not been able to do alone.
I share this because I do not want another person to spend years believing they must simply tolerate what is happening, or that they need to wait for something worse before asking for help.
You can care about someone and still need protection from their behaviour.
You can have empathy without sacrificing your safety.
And you can seek help even when other people disagree with your decision or do not understand what you have experienced.
Please do not wait until you can see the danger as clearly as someone outside the relationship might see it. You deserve to be heard, believed and given the opportunity to make informed decisions about your safety.
Linda CJ Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
This article is based on personal reflection and general educational information. It is not a substitute for an individual professional risk assessment or a personalised safety plan.
