Love should never require you to ignore your instincts.

Whether you’re dating for the first time in years, rebuilding your life after abuse, or simply wanting to make wiser relationship choices, these questions can help you slow down, observe patterns, and make informed decisions.

No single answer proves someone is abusive—or that they are safe. The key is to look for consistent patterns of behaviour over time.

Their Past

• Have they ever been arrested or convicted of domestic violence, assault, stalking, harassment, or coercive behaviour?
• If they mention a previous relationship, do they take any responsibility for what went wrong?
• Do they describe every former partner as “crazy,” “unstable,” “a narcissist,” or “the problem”?
• Can they talk about past relationships respectfully, even if they ended badly?
• Are there repeated patterns of conflict with former partners?
• Have they ever had restraining orders or other court orders made against them?
• If there has been a criminal conviction, are they open and accountable about it, or do they dismiss it entirely?

Honesty and Accountability

• Do their words consistently match their actions?
• Can they admit when they are wrong?
• Do they apologise sincerely without making excuses?
• Do they blame everyone else for their problems?
• Are they honest, even about uncomfortable subjects?
• Do you catch them telling small lies that make you question bigger ones?

Respect

• Do they respect your boundaries the first time you say “no”?
• Do they respect your opinions, even when they disagree?
• Do they interrupt, mock, belittle or dismiss you?
• Do you feel heard?
• Do they encourage your independence?

Emotional Regulation

• How do they react to disappointment?
• How do they behave when they are frustrated?
• Can they handle criticism without becoming defensive or aggressive?
• Do they lose their temper over minor issues?
• Do they sulk, withdraw affection or punish you emotionally?

Control

• Do they want to know where you are all the time?
• Do they expect immediate replies to messages?
• Do they become jealous without reason?
• Do they discourage you from seeing friends or family?
• Do they try to make decisions on your behalf?
• Do they pressure you to move faster than feels comfortable?

Family and Friends

• How do they speak about their family?
• How do their family members treat you?
• Do trusted friends or relatives express concerns about the relationship?
• Are you gradually becoming isolated?

Financial Behaviour

• Are they financially responsible?
• Do they pressure you to lend money?
• Do they expect you to support them?
• Do they encourage financial independence or dependence?
• Are they secretive about money?

Communication

• Can you have difficult conversations calmly?
• Do they listen without interrupting?
• Can you disagree safely?
• Do you feel comfortable expressing your feelings?

Behaviour Towards Others

• How do they treat restaurant staff, shop assistants or strangers?
• Are they respectful when nobody is watching?
• Are they kind only when it benefits them?
• Do they have genuine empathy for other people?

Consistency

• Are they the same person in private as they are in public?
• Does their behaviour change dramatically behind closed doors?
• Do you feel relaxed with them—or are you constantly trying to avoid upsetting them?

Trust Your Body

• Do you feel calm in their company?
• Do you sleep well after spending time together?
• Do you feel more confident since meeting them?
• Or do you feel anxious, confused or emotionally drained?
• Do you find yourself walking on eggshells?
• Are you ignoring your intuition because you want the relationship to work?

Questions Worth Asking Yourself

• Am I making excuses for behaviour I would once have recognised as unacceptable?
• Have I changed who I am to keep the peace?
• Do I feel free to be myself?
• If my best friend described this relationship, what advice would I give them?
• If nothing changed over the next ten years, would I be happy?

Before You Make a Long-Term Commitment

Before moving in together, getting married, or combining finances, consider asking yourself:

• Have I known this person long enough to see how they behave under stress?
• Have I seen them deal with disappointment, conflict and responsibility?
• Have I met the people who know them best?
• Do I know enough about their past to make an informed decision?
• Have I ignored any red flags because I wanted to believe the best?
• If I have concerns, have I sought advice from someone I trust?

Remember

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, honesty, accountability and emotional safety.

The right person will never make you feel guilty for asking questions, taking your time or protecting yourself.

Your intuition is there for a reason.

Listen to it.

Because your future may depend on it.