There are situations in life for which there are no simple emotions. What happens when someone who caused you enormous suffering becomes seriously ill? What happens when you know that person is frightened, vulnerable or struggling emotionally, perhaps even expressing that they no longer want to live? You may feel compassion. You may feel sadness.… Read More When Someone Who Hurt You Becomes Seriously Ill
I don’t do this work out of pity. I do it because I understand. For decades, I have worked with people experiencing emotional pain, difficult relationships, trauma and periods in their lives when they have felt unseen, unheard or misunderstood. Over those years, I have learned something that has stayed with me: People don’t always… Read More Why I Do This Work: Experience, Empathy and Professional Understanding
Sometimes the person experiencing abuse eventually reaches out When you have lived for years feeling that there is no way out, there may come a point when you finally confide in someone close to your partner. You may not even be asking them to confront the person. You may simply be hoping for one thing:… Read More When You Finally Ask the Family for Help: The Psychology of Silence, Denial and Cover-Up Around Abuse
Sometimes you don’t realise you have been isolated until you look back One of the most frightening things about prolonged coercive control is that isolation does not always look like isolation. There may be no moment when someone says: “You are no longer allowed to have friends.” Instead, people gradually disappear. A friend becomes someone… Read More The People Who Disappeared: How Coercive Control Can Slowly Remove Your Support Network
Sometimes, looking back, the question can be painfully difficult: “Why didn’t I leave when people were telling me I was in danger?” You may remember the moments clearly. Your doctor asked questions that made you realise he was concerned. Your psychologist repeatedly questioned your partner’s behaviour and history. Your doctor was shocked that the situation… Read More When Everyone Else Can See the Danger: Why People Can Stay Even When They Are Being Offered a Way Out
When a doctor tells you once that they are concerned about your safety, you may dismiss it. When they tell you twice, you may begin to wonder. When they tell you three times—and your psychologist is also repeatedly advising you to leave—it is time to stop and listen. Not because professionals know everything about your… Read More When the Professionals Tell You to Leave: Why You Should Listen to the Warning Signs
There is quite a lot going on psychologically when a woman who has been part of a couple for many years suddenly becomes single through divorce, separation or bereavement. The painful part is that she may lose not only her partner, but an entire social structure. There are several overlapping psychological and neuroscience mechanisms behind this.… Read More Couple friendships can become a closed social system
Sometimes the person who caused the abuse is not the only person who keeps the truth hidden. Families can become part of the silence. They may minimise what happened. They may rewrite the history. They may describe violence as “marital problems”, “arguments” or “something between the couple”. They may insist that nobody should talk about… Read More When Families Keep the Truth Hidden: How Secrecy Can Protect Abuse
There is a difference between having a past and having a pattern. Everyone comes into a new relationship with history. Previous relationships, mistakes, regrets, disappointments and difficult experiences are part of being human. But what happens when someone’s history includes violence and abuse across two marriages spanning decades? What if there have been convictions for physical violence?… Read More When the Past Is a Pattern: Should a New Partner Be Told About a History of Violence and Abuse?
Starting a new relationship usually involves gradually getting to know one another. You talk about your past, your family, your previous relationships, your hopes, your mistakes and the experiences that have shaped you. But what happens when someone’s past includes convictions for domestic abuse, physical violence, threats or breaking restraining orders? At what point should a… Read More Coming Clean: Telling a New Partner About a History of Abuse, Violence or Restraining-Order Breaches
