When a court has convicted someone of making a death threat against you, being told by their relatives that you are overreacting can be deeply distressing. You deserve to be heard, not dismissed.
When the people around your abuser refuse to acknowledge the truth
There is a particular kind of isolation that can follow domestic abuse.
You have lived through the intimidation. You have heard the threats. You know what happened behind closed doors. Perhaps you have spent years trying to survive a relationship in which your safety, confidence and independence were gradually eroded.
Eventually, the situation reaches a point where the threat is taken into the criminal justice system and results in a conviction.
You might reasonably expect the people closest to the person responsible to recognise the seriousness of what has happened.
Instead, you hear:
“I doubt he’ll kill you.”
“He wouldn’t do that.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
“Just leave and move on.”
When the person who made the threat has already been convicted of doing so, these statements can feel like another form of abandonment.
They minimise the seriousness of the threat, place doubt on your judgement and suggest that the responsibility for resolving the situation rests with you.
And when relatives also know that the person has a history of domestic violence involving a previous wife, their refusal to acknowledge the wider history can leave you wondering how much evidence they need before they will take your safety seriously.
You do not need a relative’s agreement for a criminal conviction to matter. Nor do you need their permission to take reasonable precautions to protect yourself.
Why do relatives deny what has happened?
Families respond to domestic abuse in different ways. Some relatives acknowledge the behaviour and support the person harmed. Others struggle to accept what has happened, particularly when it challenges their image of someone they love.
There may be loyalty, shame, fear of family conflict, a desire to preserve appearances or a belief that the person they know could not behave in the way described.
Some may genuinely believe that a threat will never be acted upon. Others may minimise the situation because acknowledging it would require them to confront uncomfortable facts.
Without knowing their individual circumstances, we cannot know why a particular relative responds this way.
But understanding possible explanations does not make the effect of their words any less painful.
When relatives repeatedly dismiss a survivor’s concerns, they may unintentionally reinforce the isolation that often accompanies coercive control. The survivor can end up defending herself, explaining the history again and again, and trying to persuade people who are unwilling to listen.
That is emotionally exhausting.
It is also unnecessary.
You can recognise that relatives may have their own difficulties accepting the situation without making it your responsibility to change their minds.
A criminal conviction is not a matter of family opinion
When a person has been criminally convicted of making a death threat, that conviction is a documented legal outcome.
A relative may believe the person would never carry out the threat. Another may insist that the survivor is exaggerating. Someone else may prefer not to discuss the matter at all.
Their personal opinions do not erase the conviction.
Nor does a conviction mean that future violence is inevitable. The point is not to predict what someone will do. It is to recognise that a serious threat has already been established through criminal proceedings and that safety concerns deserve an appropriate response.
If there is also a history of domestic violence involving a previous partner, that information may be relevant to the wider understanding of the situation. The circumstances of the previous incidents and any available evidence should be considered carefully rather than used to make unsupported assumptions.
The survivor should not be expected to disregard a documented history simply because relatives would prefer a different version of events.
How do you respond when relatives say, “I doubt he’ll kill you”?
You do not have to argue about whether someone will act on a threat.
Nobody can predict another person’s future behaviour with certainty. The issue is that a serious threat has been made and, in this situation, resulted in a criminal conviction.
You might respond:
“You are entitled to your opinion, but the threat resulted in a criminal conviction. I am not prepared to dismiss it or gamble with my safety. I will take advice from the appropriate authorities and make decisions based on my circumstances.”
This response is factual, calm and firm.
You are not asking the relative to predict the future. You are explaining that you will take a documented threat seriously.
When they say, “He wouldn’t do that”
You may have heard this statement many times.
Perhaps the relative has known him for years and has never personally experienced the behaviour you describe. Perhaps they find it difficult to reconcile the person they see with the person you experienced in private.
But their relationship with him is not the same as yours.
You could say:
“You may have a different experience of him. I am speaking about what happened to me, including the threat that resulted in a conviction. You do not have to agree with me, but I will not minimise what happened to make it more comfortable for other people.”
You do not need to convince the family that your experience is real before you are allowed to respond to it.
When they say, “You’re overthinking it”
This statement can be particularly damaging after prolonged abuse.
A survivor may already have spent years questioning her own judgement, second-guessing her decisions and trying to anticipate another person’s reactions.
Being told that she is overthinking can reopen those doubts.
It is important to distinguish between trauma-related anxiety and a genuine safety concern. Both deserve care, but they require different responses. A trauma therapist can help with the emotional effects of fear, while police and legal professionals can advise on threats, breaches and practical protection.
You might respond:
“I understand that you see this differently. However, the threat resulted in a criminal conviction, and I have a responsibility to take my safety seriously. I am seeking appropriate advice rather than relying on reassurance or speculation.”
You can acknowledge your feelings without allowing someone else to dismiss the facts.
When they say, “Just leave and move on”
For many survivors, leaving was not a simple decision.
It may have involved years of fear, financial dependence, isolation, threats, practical obstacles and concern about what might happen when the relationship ended.
Leaving may have required careful planning, help from other people and contact with the authorities.
And leaving does not automatically resolve every safety concern.
When someone says, “Just leave and move on,” they may fail to understand that the end of a relationship does not necessarily mean the end of unwanted behaviour, intimidation or fear.
A survivor may already have left, obtained legal protection and begun rebuilding her life. What she needs is not a reminder to move on. She needs her circumstances to be understood and her right to make informed decisions to be respected.
A possible response is:
“I have taken steps to leave and rebuild my life. Moving on does not mean pretending that the threats never happened. I am entitled to protect myself while creating a future that is my own.”
What if his relatives know about his previous domestic violence?
When relatives are aware of previous domestic violence involving another partner, it can be especially difficult when they dismiss a subsequent threat against you.
You may wonder whether the earlier history has been acknowledged, whether anyone has recognised a pattern, or why your concerns are being treated as implausible.
However, you do not have to establish what every relative knew, believed or understood in order to make decisions about your own safety.
Avoid becoming drawn into a debate about whether the family is deliberately protecting him or whether they are capable of changing their views. Their motives may not be clear, and arguing about them rarely resolves the immediate issue.
Instead, keep your focus on what you know, what can be documented and what you need now.
If the relatives are also contacting, threatening, harassing or pressuring you, keep a record of those incidents and seek advice about whether their conduct warrants reporting. Family relationships do not give anyone permission to intimidate you.
Stop trying to persuade people who repeatedly dismiss you
One of the hardest lessons after domestic abuse is recognising that not everyone will acknowledge your experience.
You may want the family to understand. You may want someone to say that what happened was wrong. You may hope that, once they understand the seriousness of the conviction, they will finally recognise why you remain cautious.
That wish is entirely understandable.
But repeated explanations can leave you emotionally drained, particularly when the other person responds by minimising, arguing or questioning your judgement.
You are allowed to set boundaries.
You can end conversations about your safety with people who dismiss your concerns. You can limit the information you share about your home, routines and relationships. You can choose not to discuss your personal life with relatives who do not respect your privacy.
You do not have to provide updates about your new relationship or explain when you intend to make it public.
Your safety is not a family vote.
You can make decisions based on your circumstances, professional advice and the evidence available to you.
Protect your peace without ignoring your safety
Emotional healing and practical protection are not opposing goals.
You can work towards feeling calm and confident while continuing to take sensible precautions. You can build a new relationship without immediately making it public. You can choose to forgive, or not to forgive, without changing the boundaries necessary for your safety.
If a restraining order is approaching expiry, do not assume that its expiry means the risk has disappeared. Speak to your lawyer and the relevant authorities about the existing conviction, any subsequent breaches and the protection that may be available in your circumstances.
Keep relevant records. Review your privacy settings. Be thoughtful about who receives information that could reveal your location.
If you feel in immediate danger in Spain, call 112 or the Guardia Civil on 062. Women experiencing gender-based violence can also contact 016 for support.
These steps are not about living forever in fear. They are about making informed decisions while you rebuild your independence.
You do not need their validation to move forward
Perhaps the family will eventually acknowledge what happened. Perhaps they will continue to deny, minimise or avoid the subject.
You cannot control that outcome.
What you can control is whether you continue to expose yourself to conversations that leave you feeling frightened, undermined or compelled to defend your own experience.
You can choose supportive people. You can seek appropriate legal advice. You can continue your therapeutic work. You can build relationships with people who respect your boundaries and understand that kindness, safety and mutual respect are not too much to ask.
You do not have to make your former partner or his family understand your life before you are allowed to live it.
You do not have to win an argument to justify taking a death threat seriously.
And you do not have to remain trapped in the past to prove that it happened.
The conviction is part of the documented history. Your safety is a legitimate concern. Your future is yours to rebuild.
Let other people hold their opinions. You can hold your boundaries.
And keep moving towards a life defined not by the people who refuse to understand, but by the peace, freedom and dignity you are creating for yourself.
About Linda C.J. Turner
Linda C.J. Turner is a trauma therapist and neuroscience and emotional intelligence practitioner who supports people navigating the emotional effects of abusive relationships, coercive control and relationship trauma.
Her work focuses on emotional regulation, rebuilding self-trust, understanding trauma responses and helping individuals reconnect with their identity, confidence and future.
This article provides general information and emotional support, not individual legal advice. Legal options depend on the circumstances and applicable law.
© Linda C.J. Turner. All rights reserved. Reproduction or republication without written permission is prohibited.
