“If You Ever Find Another Partner, I Will Kill You”: The Reality of Death Threats After Domestic Abuse

By Linda C.J. Turner | Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment

When a threat follows you long after you leave

Imagine finally finding the courage to leave a relationship that has caused you years of pain.

You have spent years living with criticism, intimidation, emotional abuse or physical violence. You have learned to monitor another person’s mood, anticipate their reactions and adapt your behaviour to avoid the next confrontation.

Eventually, you leave.

You begin rebuilding your life quietly. You establish a new home, rediscover your independence and slowly start to feel like yourself again.

Then there is the threat you cannot easily forget:

“If you ever find another partner, I will kill you.”

These words are not simply an unpleasant memory. When a threat has been made in the context of prolonged abuse, it can affect how a survivor approaches every new opportunity for happiness.

Can I date again? Can I introduce someone to my friends? Can I post a photograph? Can I tell people that I am happy?

And the most painful question of all: Am I allowed to move on with my life without putting myself or someone I love in danger?

The answer is yes. You have the right to move forward. But a credible threat of serious violence must be taken seriously, and your safety deserves careful consideration.

Death threats are not just words to dismiss

A death threat can be profoundly frightening, particularly when it comes from someone who has previously been violent, controlling or intimidating.

The context matters.

A threat made during a history of domestic abuse may be experienced differently from an isolated remark because the survivor may already know what the person is capable of doing, or may have spent years living with unpredictable behaviour.

Not every threat results in violence, and nobody can predict another person’s actions with certainty. However, it is not necessary to wait for a threat to become an assault before seeking help.

Threats may be used to intimidate, punish, frighten or discourage a survivor from exercising independence. They can also make a person feel that leaving the relationship has not given them permission to live freely.

When the threat specifically concerns finding a new partner, it can interfere with the survivor’s ability to form new relationships long after the original relationship has ended.

The survivor may be physically separated from the abuser but still feel emotionally trapped by the possibility of what might happen next.

The invisible consequences of living under threat

Living with a threat of death can affect more than a person’s immediate sense of safety.

After prolonged exposure to danger, the nervous system may remain alert to potential threats. A survivor might become watchful of unfamiliar cars, unexpected messages, people appearing in familiar places or information being shared online.

Some people experience disturbed sleep, anxiety, difficulty concentrating or a strong physical reaction when something reminds them of the past.

Others become exceptionally careful. They keep their address private, limit what they share on social media, avoid discussing new relationships and think carefully about who can be trusted.

These responses can be understandable after frightening experiences. They are not evidence of weakness.

However, persistent fear can also become exhausting. A survivor may find herself spending so much energy trying to prevent another person’s reaction that she struggles to enjoy the life she has worked so hard to rebuild.

Trauma-informed support can help survivors understand these responses, develop ways of regulating distress and gradually reclaim their sense of choice. Therapy cannot guarantee physical safety, and emotional healing should never be treated as a substitute for practical protection.

When a restraining order is approaching its expiry date

For survivors who have obtained legal protection, the approaching expiry of a restraining order may bring additional uncertainty.

It is important to understand that the expiry of a court order does not establish that a threat has disappeared. Equally, the existence of a threat does not automatically determine what protective measures a court will grant.

If an ex-partner has threatened to kill you, particularly if there has been previous violence, stalking or repeated disregard for court orders, seek advice before your current protection expires.

In Spain, the appropriate legal options depend on the existing judgment, the evidence, the nature of the threat and the circumstances of the case.

Consider taking the following steps:

Tell the authorities about the specific threat. Explain the words used, when they were said, the circumstances and any relevant history of violence or intimidation.
Preserve the evidence. Keep messages, emails, recordings lawfully obtained, witness details and police report references. Do not put yourself at risk to collect evidence.
Speak to a qualified Spanish lawyer. Ask what protection is currently in force, when it expires and whether any further protective measure may be available.
Report suspected breaches. If a court order prohibits an approach and the person approaches you in breach of that restriction, report the incident promptly.
Review your practical safety arrangements. Consider privacy settings, location-sharing, home security and who has access to your personal information.

Do not assume that applying for a new order automatically extends an existing one. Confirm the legal position with your lawyer.

If you believe you are in immediate danger in Spain, call 112 or the Guardia Civil on 062. Women experiencing gender-based violence can also contact 016 for support.

Does finding a new partner make you less safe?

A survivor should not be blamed for the possibility that another person may react violently to their independence.

You are entitled to end a relationship. You are entitled to divorce. You are entitled to make new friends, fall in love, experience affection and build a future with someone who treats you well.

None of those choices justifies a threat of violence.

However, when an explicit threat has been made about a new partner, it is sensible to consider the risks before sharing information that could reveal your whereabouts or identify the person you are dating.

You do not have to announce a new relationship on social media. You do not have to publish photographs or explain your private life to mutual acquaintances. You can decide what to share, with whom and when.

If you are considering making your relationship public, discuss the specific threat with your lawyer and the relevant authorities. Ask for advice that takes account of the history of abuse, any previous breaches and your current circumstances.

There is no universal period of separation after which it becomes safe to go public. The decision should not be based solely on the passage of time or the expiry date of a restraining order.

Privacy can be a sensible safety choice. It should not, however, become another reason to blame yourself or deny yourself the possibility of happiness.

You are not responsible for another person’s threats

One of the most damaging effects of coercive control is the gradual erosion of personal freedom.

Over time, a survivor may begin to organise life around another person’s anger, jealousy or demands. Even after leaving, the survivor may continue to ask herself what she is allowed to do and what might provoke a reaction.

When a death threat has been made, this fear can become particularly powerful.

But responsibility for a threat belongs to the person who makes it. You did not cause it by leaving. You do not cause it by dating again. You are not responsible for managing another adult’s behaviour by giving up your own future.

Taking precautions does not mean accepting the threat as legitimate. It means recognising the seriousness of the situation while protecting your freedom to make decisions.

You can be compassionate without sacrificing your safety. You can acknowledge the past without allowing it to define every part of your future.

Rebuilding a life in which fear no longer makes every decision

Healing after domestic abuse is not a straight line.

There may be days when you feel confident and free, and other days when an unexpected reminder brings back old feelings. Beginning a new relationship can be joyful and frightening at the same time.

You may need to move slowly, establish boundaries and learn to trust your own judgement again.

A healthy relationship should allow you to retain your independence, express your needs, disagree without intimidation and feel respected as an equal.

You do not have to rush. You do not have to prove anything to your former partner, your family or the world.

Your new life can grow privately while you take appropriate steps to protect yourself.

And if you need professional support to process the effects of prolonged fear, seeking that support is an act of care for yourself—not an admission that the abuse has defeated you.

Your life is not a possession

No former partner has the right to dictate whether you may love again.

No one has the right to use a threat of death to claim ownership over your future.

If you have lived through years of abuse and intimidation, you deserve to be heard, protected and supported. You deserve the opportunity to build relationships based on kindness rather than fear.

You do not need to prove your courage by taking unnecessary risks. Nor should you be expected to remain emotionally imprisoned by threats made in the past.

Take your safety seriously. Seek appropriate legal advice. Reach out to people who understand what you have experienced.

Then, one step at a time, reclaim the parts of your life that belong to you.

You survived the relationship. You are entitled to a future beyond it. Your safety matters, your freedom matters, and your life belongs to you.

About Linda C.J. Turner

Linda C.J. Turner is a trauma therapist and neuroscience and emotional intelligence practitioner who supports people navigating the emotional impact of abusive relationships, coercive control and relationship trauma.

Her work focuses on emotional regulation, understanding trauma responses, rebuilding self-trust and helping individuals reconnect with their identity, confidence and future.

Legal information note: This article provides general information and is not a substitute for individual legal advice. Spanish criminal law and protective procedures depend on the circumstances of each case.