Designing non-negotiables for dating after abuse is one of the strongest things you can do for your nervous system. These are not “high standards” or rigidity — they are protective conditions that allow healing to continue rather than be undone. Below is a clear, trauma-informed framework you can adapt. 1. The purpose of non-negotiables (reframe first) Non-negotiables are not about controlling… Read More Christmas / holiday-specific non-negotiables

This pattern is especially damaging for people recovering from abuse because it interacts directly with the brain changes that trauma creates. What feels merely “confusing” to others can be re-traumatising at a neurological level for survivors. Here’s why — clearly, and without blaming you. 1. Abuse rewires the nervous system toward hyper-vigilance During abuse, the brain learns: This sensitises… Read More Safe people

Both withdraw.Only one is driven by fear rather than intent. 2. What’s happening in the brain Avoidant attachment (threat-regulation) They often don’t fully know why they pull away. Deception (risk-management) They know exactly why they are evasive. 3. Behavioural markers you can actually observe Avoidant attachment tends to look like: They may: Deception tends to look like: They may: 4. The Christmas… Read More The core difference (in one sentence)

Here’s what’s happening under the hood. 1. Christmas increases attachment demand → avoidant brains feel threat Christmas activates: For someone with an avoidant or emotionally immature attachment system, this triggers the amygdala (threat detection), not bonding. Their brain interprets Christmas as: “I’m about to be seen, expected, or required.” So instead of moving closer, their nervous system moves away.… Read More Avoidant brains

This usually has far more to do with them than with you. Common reasons include: 1. Emotional self-absorption (not always malicious, but still harmful) Some people live almost entirely inside their own stress, routines, and narratives. When something doesn’t directly touch their world, they don’t register it — even when it should. 2. Avoidance of discomfort… Read More Why some long-term people don’t check in

What real support feels like (not perfect, but safe) Supportive friends and family tend to: They don’t need the full story. Belief and steadiness matter more than details. Why accepting support can feel so hard after abuse If you’ve lived with coercive control, your nervous system may: That isn’t independence — it’s conditioned self-silencing. Letting safe… Read More Support

Christmas can be one of the hardest times when you’re going through a divorce involving domestic abuse. What’s supposed to feel warm and safe often becomes the season where control, grief, and loneliness feel amplified. None of that means you’re failing — it means your nervous system has been through trauma. Here’s what’s actually going on, and how to… Read More Trauma doesn’t take holidays