1. Their stress system just discharged

Before the outburst, their brain is often in a high-alert state:

• threat sensitivity (amygdala firing)
• rising tension
• internal pressure

When they lash out (verbally, emotionally, or physically), it can act like a release valve.

So their body goes from:
high stress → discharge → relief

That relief can look like:

• sudden calmness
• indifference
• even lightness or normal conversation

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2. Your distress regulates their nervous system

This is one of the more disturbing dynamics.

When you become:

• upset
• anxious
• apologetic
• fearful

their brain can unconsciously register:

• “I’ve regained control”
• “The threat is gone”
• “I’m safe again”

So your pain actually soothes their internal chaos.

That’s why they may:

• relax when you cry
• stop escalating once you submit
• appear grounded while you’re shaken

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3. Reduced empathy response in the moment

In that state, the brain areas linked to empathy can be less active.

So instead of:
“I hurt you”

the internal experience is closer to:
“I feel better now”

That doesn’t always mean they never understand later —
but in the moment, your pain isn’t emotionally registering enough to stop them.

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4. Control = safety (learned pattern)

For some people, especially those with certain early experiences:

• control feels like safety
• losing control feels like danger

So when they dominate the situation:
their nervous system settles.

This can become a reinforced loop:
tension → control → relief → repeat

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5. Why this feels so confusing to the other person

Because your nervous system is doing the opposite.

After conflict, a non-abusive brain expects:

• repair
• care
• reconnection

So when the other person is calm or detached, it can feel like:

• emotional abandonment
• cruelty
• or even manipulation

Your body is still in alarm, while theirs has already come down.

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The key difference again, in simple terms

• Healthy response: “I upset you — I need to fix this.”
• Abusive pattern: “I released my tension — I feel better now.”

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One important thing to hold onto

This pattern can feel very powerful and almost biological —
but it is not something you can fix by:

• being calmer
• explaining better
• loving more

Because the “reward” (relief after control) is happening inside their nervous system, not in your behaviour.

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