One of the biggest mistakes people make in abusive relationships is believing they can change, heal, rescue, or fix the person who is abusing them. It is an understandable belief, especially when you care deeply for someone and can see the pain, trauma, or difficulties that may lie beneath their behaviour. However, experience and research both point to a difficult truth: you cannot make an abuser change.

Many victims spend years trying. They become more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, and more supportive. They encourage counselling, offer endless second chances, and search for explanations. Yet the abuse continues.

The reality is that abuse is not usually caused by a lack of love, a misunderstanding, or relationship problems that can be solved through better communication. Abuse is about power, control, and choices. While some abusers may have experienced trauma, mental health difficulties, or unhealthy role models growing up, these factors do not excuse abusive behaviour.

Understanding why someone behaves abusively is not the same as curing it.

An abuser’s deep-seated issues can only be addressed if they are willing to acknowledge their behaviour, take full responsibility for it, and commit to long-term professional intervention. Even then, change is far from guaranteed. Many never accept responsibility and instead blame their partner, their childhood, stress, alcohol, work pressures, or anyone else they can find.

This is why traditional marriage counselling is often considered inappropriate when abuse is present. Relationship counselling assumes both partners share responsibility for the difficulties within the relationship. In an abusive relationship, that is not the case. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser, and joint counselling can sometimes place victims at greater risk by giving the abuser new information to manipulate or control them.

Mental health conditions can occasionally contribute to difficult behaviour, but most experts agree that mental illness alone does not cause domestic abuse. Millions of people live with mental health challenges and never abuse their partners. Abuse remains a behavioural choice.

Perhaps the hardest lesson for many survivors is accepting that love is not enough. No amount of kindness, loyalty, sacrifice, understanding, or patience can force another person to change. The desire to change must come from them.

If you are spending your life trying to fix an abuser, ask yourself this question: who is fixing you?

Your energy is often better spent protecting yourself, rebuilding your confidence, strengthening your support network, and creating a safer future. You are responsible for your own wellbeing. You are not responsible for managing, curing, or rehabilitating someone else’s abusive behaviour.

Listen to the voices of survivors, therapists, and domestic abuse specialists. The overwhelming message is the same: stop trying to fix the abuser and start focusing on your own safety, healing, and recovery.

Because while an abuser may or may not change, your life should not be put on hold waiting for it to happen.