Three doctors (one in France and two in Spain), three psychologists (one in France and two in Spain), a forensic psychologist in the UK, friends in three countries, and family members all reached the same conclusion. They could not all be wrong.

It took many years and many attempts before I finally made the decision to leave. Looking back, I would have chosen differently knowing what I know now. But the truth is that people leave only when they are ready, and when they believe they can survive what comes next.

Eventually, the abuse reached a level where there was no decision left to make. It was no longer about saving the relationship. It was about saving myself.

Today I am safe. Today I am living. Today I am free from control, fear and abuse.

Abuse Assessment Checklist

This checklist is not a diagnosis. It is designed to help you recognise patterns and assess risk.

Financial Abuse

Early Warning Signs

• Constant questioning about money.
• Monitoring your spending.
• Criticising purchases.
• Making you feel guilty for spending money.
• Expecting you to account for every penny.

Moderate Financial Abuse

• Restricting access to bank accounts.
• Refusing to contribute fairly to household expenses.
• Taking control of family finances.
• Running up debts in your name.
• Preventing you from working or studying.
• Deliberately damaging your credit rating.

Severe Financial Abuse

• Stealing money from you.
• Forging signatures.
• Hiding assets.
• Withholding money needed for food, medicine or transport.
• Threatening homelessness or financial ruin.
• Using money as a weapon to force compliance.

Danger Level

High risk when financial dependence prevents you from leaving safely.

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Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Early Warning Signs

• Constant criticism.
• Humiliation disguised as jokes.
• Jealousy presented as love.
• Excessive monitoring of your whereabouts.
• Silent treatment.
• Blame shifting.

Moderate Psychological Abuse

• Gaslighting.
• Denying events that clearly happened.
• Twisting conversations.
• Making you doubt your memory or sanity.
• Isolating you from friends and family.
• Controlling who you see or speak to.
• Repeated accusations without evidence.

Severe Psychological Abuse

• Threats.
• Intimidation.
• Deliberate sleep deprivation.
• Extreme manipulation.
• Persistent lying.
• Character assassination.
• Smear campaigns.
• Coercive control.
• Creating fear of consequences if you leave.

Danger Level

Very high risk. Psychological abuse often escalates over time and can have long-term effects on confidence, decision-making and mental health.

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Verbal Abuse

Early Signs

• Sarcasm and ridicule.
• Frequent criticism.
• Dismissive comments.

Moderate Level

• Name-calling.
• Shouting.
• Public humiliation.
• Swearing directed at you.

Severe Level

• Threats.
• Intimidation.
• Degrading language.
• Constant attacks on your character.

Danger Level

Verbal abuse often precedes more severe forms of abuse.

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Physical Abuse

Early Physical Intimidation

• Blocking doorways.
• Standing over you aggressively.
• Invading personal space.
• Punching walls.
• Throwing objects.

Physical Violence

• Pushing.
• Grabbing.
• Restraining.
• Slapping.
• Kicking.
• Punching.

Severe Physical Violence

• Strangulation or choking.
• Use of weapons.
• Threats to kill.
• Serious assaults requiring medical treatment.

Danger Level

Critical.

Strangulation, threats to kill, stalking, weapon use, and escalating violence are among the strongest predictors of future serious injury or homicide.

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Control and Coercion

Common Behaviours

• Monitoring phone calls and messages.
• Checking social media.
• Demanding passwords.
• Tracking movements.
• Controlling clothing.
• Controlling friendships.
• Controlling family contact.

Severe Control

• Surveillance.
• Stalking.
• Following you.
• Monitoring devices.
• Restricting freedom of movement.
• Making you seek permission for ordinary activities.

Danger Level

Coercive control is often the foundation upon which other forms of abuse are built.

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Questions to Ask Yourself

• Am I afraid of their reaction?
• Do I change my behaviour to avoid conflict?
• Do I feel I am walking on eggshells?
• Have I become isolated from friends or family?
• Do I doubt my own memory or judgement?
• Do I feel controlled rather than loved?
• Has the behaviour worsened over time?
• If my daughter, son, sister or best friend described this relationship, what advice would I give them?

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Stay or Go?

Situation	Risk Level
Occasional unhealthy conflict with genuine accountability and change	Low to Moderate
Repeated emotional abuse, manipulation and control	High
Financial control creating dependence	High
Coercive control and isolation	Very High
Physical violence	Critical
Strangulation, death threats, stalking or weapon use	Extreme Danger

A useful principle is this:

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, safety and freedom.

Abusive relationships are built on fear, control, power and compliance.

You cannot control another person’s behaviour. You can only decide what you will accept, how you will respond, and what kind of life you want for yourself.