One of the hardest lessons many people learn in an abusive relationship is that no amount of love, patience, sacrifice, pleading, reasoning, or counselling can force another person to change.

You cannot control someone else’s behaviour.

You cannot make them stop lying.

You cannot make them stop manipulating.

You cannot make them stop being verbally, emotionally, financially, or physically abusive.

The most important person to focus on is you.

Your wellbeing.

Your safety.

Your future.

Your financial security.

Your emotional health.

Your peace of mind.

The energy spent trying to fix, rescue, analyse, or change an abusive partner is often energy that could be spent rebuilding your own life.

The question is not, “How do I change them?”

The question is, “What do I want for my life, and what am I prepared to do about it?”

Only you can answer that.

A trusted friend, therapist, domestic abuse specialist, lawyer, financial adviser, or support organisation can help you assess your situation, understand your options, and create a plan for the future.

Assessing Your Situation

The following table can help you think about the different forms of abuse and the impact they may be having on your life.

Area	Lower-Level Warning Signs	Serious Concerns	High-Risk Indicators
Financial Abuse	Criticism of spending, excessive monitoring of money, pressure regarding finances	Restricting access to accounts, controlling income, creating debt in your name, withholding money	Complete financial control, preventing employment, financial threats, economic dependence used to trap you
Emotional Abuse	Constant criticism, belittling comments, guilt-tripping, manipulation	Isolation from friends and family, intimidation, humiliation, gaslighting, blame-shifting	Severe coercive control, threats, stalking, destruction of confidence and self-worth
Physical Abuse	Physical intimidation, blocking exits, throwing objects, aggressive behaviour	Pushing, grabbing, restraining, slapping, or any unwanted physical contact	Strangulation, repeated assaults, threats to kill, use of weapons, violence that is escalating in severity or frequency

Questions to Ask Yourself

If I Stay

• Is the situation improving, staying the same, or getting worse?
• Do I feel safe?
• Is there genuine accountability for the behaviour?
• Has meaningful professional help been sought?
• What will my life look like in one year, five years, or ten years if nothing changes?
• What impact is this having on my physical and mental health?

If I Leave

• What practical support do I need?
• What financial arrangements need to be considered?
• What legal advice might be required?
• What support network can help me?
• What would a safer and healthier future look like?

Remember

Every relationship and every circumstance is different.

Only you can decide whether to stay or leave.

However, your decision should be based on reality, not promises.

Look at the patterns.

Look at the history.

Look at the behaviour.

Then focus on the one life you have the power to change—your own.

If physical violence is present, seek specialist support and prioritise your safety. Abuse that involves physical violence can escalate, and taking concerns seriously is essential.