For much of my life, I believed that having an affair under any circumstances was completely wrong. It seemed like a clear-cut issue with no exceptions. However, after healing from abuse and working closely with psychologists and trauma specialists, my understanding of human behaviour has become far more nuanced.

To be clear, this is not an attempt to justify or encourage infidelity. Rather, it is an acknowledgement of the complex emotional realities faced by some people living in abusive relationships.

When someone is subjected to ongoing emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse, their world often becomes dominated by fear, isolation, rejection, and loneliness. The very person who should be providing love, safety, and support may instead be the source of pain and distress. Over time, this can leave a person feeling invisible, unwanted, and emotionally starved.

In these circumstances, it is perhaps easier to understand why some women may find comfort, validation, kindness, or emotional connection with someone outside their marriage. For some, it is not primarily about romance or sex. It may be about being listened to, feeling valued, or experiencing a sense of humanity that has been absent for years.

Understanding the reasons behind such behaviour is not the same as condoning it. Actions still have consequences, and every situation is unique. What psychology teaches us is that people often make decisions in response to their environment and emotional needs, particularly when they are under significant stress or trauma.

There is also a very serious safety issue that cannot be ignored. In relationships involving severe physical abuse, an affair can place the victim at even greater risk. If discovered, an abusive partner may escalate their behaviour, leading to increased violence, coercion, threats, or attempts to exert greater control. For this reason, professionals working in domestic abuse services often emphasise the importance of safety planning and seeking specialist support.

My own response was different. I was not prepared to take that risk. My focus was on trying to understand what had gone wrong and attempting to fix the relationship. Like many people in abusive situations, I spent a long time believing that if I worked harder, communicated better, or found the right solution, things would improve.

Looking back, I now recognise that abuse is not caused by a lack of effort on the part of the victim. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, accountability, and a willingness from both people to address problems constructively.

One of the lessons I have learned through recovery is that it is important to resist simplistic judgments. Life is rarely black and white. People living under extraordinary pressure sometimes make choices that others may struggle to understand from the outside.

Compassion does not require approval. Understanding does not require agreement. But by seeking to understand the psychological impact of abuse, we can have more honest conversations about the realities faced by those who are trying to survive it.

Ultimately, every person deserves a relationship built on trust, respect, safety, and genuine care. No one should have to seek comfort from strangers because those basic needs are being denied at home.