A push–pull pattern looks like this:

• “I miss you.”
• Silence for days.
• “You’re amazing.”
• Withdrawal when you respond.
• “Let’s meet.”
• Cancellation.
• Intense affection.
• Emotional distance.

From a neuroscience perspective, this unpredictability creates a variable reward schedule, the same learning principle that makes slot machines so compelling. The brain releases dopamine not because of consistent reward, but because of uncertain reward. That uncertainty can make someone think about the relationship far more than a stable one.

Why People Do It

1. They are genuinely confused

Some people have conflicting desires:

• They want closeness.
• They fear vulnerability.
• They move towards intimacy and then away from it.

Their behaviour can look inconsistent because they are inconsistent internally.

2. They enjoy attention and validation

Some people like knowing someone is available to them. They may reach out when lonely or bored and disappear when their need for connection is temporarily satisfied.

The goal may not be a committed relationship but reassurance that someone is still emotionally invested.

3. They avoid direct communication

Instead of saying:

• “I don’t want a relationship,”
• “I’m not ready,”
• “I’ve changed my mind,”

they keep things ambiguous.

Ambiguity delays difficult conversations but often creates prolonged uncertainty for the other person.

4. They intentionally manipulate

Some individuals deliberately alternate warmth and distance because it gives them a sense of control or power. They may notice that the other person becomes more attentive when they withdraw and repeat the pattern.

This is a recognised interpersonal strategy, but it is impossible to conclude that someone is doing it intentionally without clear evidence.

Are They “Taking the Piss”?

Sometimes people are consciously playing games. Sometimes they are emotionally immature. Sometimes they are conflicted.

The more useful question is often:

What is the consistent pattern, and how does it affect you?

If someone repeatedly:

• says yes but acts no,
• promises but rarely follows through,
• disappears and returns without explanation,
• keeps you hoping without building a real relationship,

then the practical outcome is that you are left waiting and investing emotional energy while receiving uncertainty in return.

Are They Laughing With Their Friends?

There is usually no evidence to assume that someone is mocking another person with their friends. Most people are far more occupied with managing their own emotions, insecurities, or desires than with orchestrating elaborate games.

Assuming ridicule without evidence can increase anxiety and keep the mind searching for hidden meanings.

A Useful Psychological Test

Instead of analysing every text or mixed signal, look at the ratio of words to behaviour.

Ask:

• Do they make plans and keep them?
• Do they communicate consistently?
• Do they show up when they say they will?
• Do their actions reduce uncertainty or create more of it?

Healthy relationships tend to create predictability and safety, not chronic confusion.

The Neuroscience Bottom Line

The brain interprets inconsistency as something that needs solving. It keeps scanning for patterns and explanations, which can create obsessive thinking and emotional highs and lows.

A relationship that is built on clear communication and consistent behaviour generally allows the nervous system to relax. A relationship built on hot–cold cycles keeps the brain in a state of anticipation and vigilance.

One of the clearest indicators of someone’s intentions is not what they say during the “hot” moments but what they consistently do over time.