When an abusive relationship ends, the abuse itself often doesn’t disappear.

Sometimes, the behaviour changes form.

Instead of controlling a partner behind closed doors, the person who was abusive may begin controlling the story.

This can be particularly confusing for a new partner, who hears only one version of events.

While every situation is different, professionals who work with domestic abuse often hear recurring themes.

“My Ex Was Crazy.”

One of the most common claims is that the former partner was unstable, jealous, irrational or mentally ill.

This shifts attention away from the person’s own behaviour and places all responsibility on the former partner.

“They Made False Allegations.”

Some people immediately dismiss reports of abuse as lies or revenge.

While false allegations can occur in any area of life, research consistently shows they are uncommon. Most people who experience domestic abuse never report it at all.

Automatically claiming that every allegation is false can be a way of avoiding accountability.

“I Was the Real Victim.”

Some abusive individuals present themselves as the one who suffered.

They may describe themselves as misunderstood, unfairly treated or persecuted.

Sometimes this reflects a genuine belief; in other cases, it can be part of an effort to gain sympathy without acknowledging harmful behaviour.

“We Just Had Communication Problems.”

Abuse is sometimes reframed as ordinary relationship conflict.

There is a significant difference between two people struggling to communicate and one person repeatedly using intimidation, fear, coercion or violence to control the other.

Calling abuse a “communication problem” minimises its seriousness.

“We Just Grew Apart.”

Some relationships genuinely end because people grow in different directions.

But if a relationship ended because of coercive control, repeated intimidation or violence, describing it simply as “growing apart” hides the underlying issue.

“I’ve Changed.”

People can change.

Real change, however, is usually demonstrated over time through consistent behaviour, accountability and a willingness to accept responsibility without blaming others.

Promises alone are not evidence of change.

“Everyone Says I’m a Nice Person.”

Many abusive people are viewed positively by colleagues, neighbours or friends.

Abuse often happens in private.

Being charming or well-liked in public does not rule out abusive behaviour at home.

“They Were Impossible to Live With.”

No one is perfect.

However, frustration, disagreements or personality differences do not justify abuse.

Adults are responsible for their own behaviour, regardless of the behaviour of others.

Look for Accountability

Perhaps the most important question is not what someone says about their former partner.

It is how they speak about their own actions.

Do they acknowledge mistakes?

Do they accept responsibility without immediately blaming someone else?

Can they recognise the harm they caused?

Or is every previous relationship explained as someone else’s fault?

Healthy people can usually reflect on both their strengths and their shortcomings.

Someone who never accepts responsibility and always portrays themselves as the innocent party deserves careful consideration.

A Final Thought

Everyone has a past, and every relationship has two perspectives.

It is important not to judge someone solely on what an ex-partner says—or solely on what they say about their ex.

Instead, pay attention to patterns.

Watch how they handle conflict.

Notice whether they respect boundaries.

Observe whether their actions match their words.

Because over time, behaviour tells a far more reliable story than excuses ever will.