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As therapists, much of our work focuses on helping people heal from pain. We support survivors of abuse, betrayal, neglect, and trauma as they learn to rebuild their lives and move forward. While this work is challenging, there is often a willingness on the part of the client to understand their experiences and seek change.

The more difficult challenge is understanding those who inflict pain on others.

Many people who cause emotional, psychological, or physical harm do not see themselves as the problem. They often grew up in environments where abuse, manipulation, intimidation, or emotional neglect were normalised. The behaviours they learned became their comfort zone. What appears shocking or harmful to others may feel entirely ordinary to them.

This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it does help explain why change is often so difficult.

People who inflict pain frequently have little insight into the damage they cause. Some lack empathy, while others possess empathy but suppress it to protect themselves from confronting their own wounds. Many never seek therapy because they do not believe anything is wrong. The problem, in their view, always lies with someone else.

As therapists, these cases can be particularly frustrating. We cannot help someone who has no desire to examine their behaviour. Change requires self-awareness, accountability, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort. Without those ingredients, meaningful progress is unlikely.

The reality is that many people who cause harm never enter a therapist’s office. Instead, it is their partners, children, family members, friends, and colleagues who seek support to cope with the consequences.

Professional detachment helps therapists navigate these situations. We learn to observe behaviour without becoming consumed by it. We can analyse family systems, trauma histories, personality traits, and patterns of behaviour while maintaining appropriate emotional distance.

But that distance becomes far more difficult when the person causing harm is someone we love.

When abuse, manipulation, or cruelty occurs within our own family or close relationships, objectivity becomes much harder. We are no longer simply observers. We are emotionally invested. We carry our own hopes, disappointments, grief, and memories.

In those situations, professional knowledge can be both a gift and a burden. We may understand exactly why someone behaves the way they do, yet still feel hurt by their actions. We may recognise the origins of their pain while simultaneously witnessing the damage they continue to inflict on others.

Understanding is not the same as acceptance.

One of the hardest lessons, both professionally and personally, is recognising that some people are comfortable within patterns of behaviour that cause suffering. Their pain has become familiar. Their worldview has been shaped around blame, control, anger, or entitlement. Change would require them to question everything they have spent a lifetime believing.

Not everyone is willing to do that work.

Sometimes the healthiest response is not to rescue, fix, or understand indefinitely. Sometimes it is to acknowledge the reality of who a person is, set boundaries, and focus on protecting those who are being harmed.

For therapists, and for anyone who loves someone caught in destructive patterns, this can be one of the most painful truths to accept: understanding why someone causes pain does not mean we can change them.

Sometimes compassion means recognising their suffering.

Wisdom means recognising that their suffering is not ours to carry.

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