A person’s opinion is formed from the information available to them. In psychology, behaviour is the most reliable data we have because intentions are private, but actions are observable.

If someone:

• Says they want a relationship but repeatedly disappears.
• Says, “I’ll see you next week,” and then doesn’t follow through.
• Ignores messages for days while occasionally sending affectionate texts or songs.
• Alternates between warmth and distance.
• Creates uncertainty rather than consistency.

then the brain naturally forms an opinion based on those repeated experiences.

From a neuroscience perspective, this inconsistency activates the brain’s threat and reward systems simultaneously. Intermittent reinforcement—unpredictable attention mixed with withdrawal—produces a stronger emotional attachment than consistent attention. Dopamine is released in anticipation of the next positive interaction, while cortisol rises during periods of uncertainty. The result is a push-pull dynamic that keeps one person waiting, analysing, and hoping.

Ironically, the person creating the inconsistency may then say:

“Don’t write to me anymore, it’s pointless. I don’t want to continue talking to someone who has such a false opinion of me.”

But what is that “opinion” actually based on?

Not gossip.

Not assumptions.

Not imagination.

It is based on observable behaviour.

Behaviour Creates Reputation

Trust is built when words and actions align.

• “I’ll call you.” → They call.
• “I’ll see you next week.” → They show up.
• “I’m interested.” → Their behaviour demonstrates interest.

When words and actions repeatedly conflict, the brain experiences cognitive dissonance. To reduce the discomfort, it begins to trust actions over promises.

People don’t conclude someone is unreliable because of one missed message.

They conclude it after a pattern.

The Psychology of Deflection

Sometimes, instead of addressing the behaviour, the focus shifts to the other person’s perception:

“You have a false opinion of me.”

This changes the conversation from “What have I consistently done?” to “Why do you think that about me?”

It places the responsibility for the relationship’s difficulties onto the observer rather than examining the behaviour that created the impression.

A Better Question

Rather than asking,

“Why do you have such a false opinion of me?”

the more psychologically useful question is,

“What repeated behaviours might have led someone to feel this way?”

Because people rarely judge a single event.

They judge patterns.

And patterns are the language of behaviour.

If someone repeatedly sends mixed messages, disappears, breaks plans, and reappears with affection, the opinion formed is not “false.” It is the brain doing exactly what it evolved to do: recognising patterns, predicting future behaviour, and trying to protect itself from uncertainty.

As the saying goes, when words and actions disagree, the nervous system learns to believe the actions.