For a long time, I used to wonder what people meant when they said, “don’t settle for less than you deserve.” I didn’t fully understand it.

I got married very young, at 18, and almost immediately moved from one relationship into another. I was also brought up by my mother alone. I had no real benchmark for what a healthy relationship should look like. No reference point. No example of what “good” actually felt like in real life.

I didn’t grow up hearing or seeing what emotional safety, respect, or healthy love looked like in practice. I only knew how I felt — and I knew when something didn’t feel right, even if I couldn’t explain why.

As I got older, I heard women and friends talk about things like being “spoilt,” having “amazing sex,” or finding “soulmates.” I didn’t really understand what they meant. Those ideas felt distant, almost like a language I hadn’t learned yet.

When I eventually separated from my 30 year long-term marriage, people around me often said they couldn’t understand what I had been putting up with. The truth is, neither could I — not at the time.

Looking back now, I can see something very clearly: I tolerated things for far too long that were not normal. Abuse — whether physical, emotional, or financial — was present, and over time it became normalised in my world. That is the part that is so dangerous. When something happens repeatedly, especially from a young age or over many years, it can start to feel like “just how life is.”

But I want to be very clear now, from experience and from understanding:
Abuse is not normal.

Not in any relationship. Not ever.

No one should be made to believe that physical, emotional, or financial abuse is something all couples go through. That is not reality — it is distortion, and it keeps people trapped in unhealthy cycles.

Healthy relationships do exist. They are built on respect, safety, kindness, and consistency. They do not rely on fear, control, or confusion.

What I have learned is this: when you have never been shown a healthy standard, you may accept things that slowly break you down without realising it. But awareness changes everything.

The moment you begin to question, “Why did I accept that?” or “Why did I think that was normal?” — that is the moment things start to shift.

Healing begins when you stop blaming yourself for not knowing, and start recognising that you were simply working with what you had been taught.

And from that point forward, you get to choose differently.

You get to decide what you will no longer tolerate.

And most importantly — you learn that peace is not something you have to earn. It is something you are allowed to expect.