When you’ve lived with decades of psychological manipulation, the most destabilising part isn’t the behaviour itself.
It’s the moment you realise:
This is just a continuation of the same pattern.
Different setting.
Different language.
Same impact on your nervous system.
That recognition is not bitterness.
It’s pattern recognition.
What Kind of Person Does This?
From a trauma-informed and neuroscience perspective, this behaviour is most commonly seen in people who rely on control to regulate themselves.
These individuals often:
- Struggle with internal regulation
- Experience loss of control as threat
- Use external systems (people, institutions, narratives) to stabilise themselves
This is not about divorce.
It’s not about the house.
It’s not about “moving forward.”
It’s about maintaining psychological dominance when direct access is lost.
Why the Mixed Messages?
Saying one thing publicly while doing the opposite privately is a classic image-management strategy.
Outwardly:
- “I’m cooperating”
- “I’m doing what’s expected”
- “I’m trying to move on”
Privately:
- Delays
- Silence
- Obstruction
- Sudden legal escalation
Neuroscience explains why this is effective:
- Humans rely on social consensus to assess reality
- When others appear convinced, self-doubt increases
- The target expends energy trying to “prove” the truth
That confusion isn’t accidental.
It’s functional.
Is It Progress — or Just More Control?
Here’s the key distinction:
Progress reduces uncertainty.
Control creates it.
If someone were genuinely moving forward, you would see:
- Consistent timelines
- Predictable actions
- Alignment between words and behaviour
What you’re describing is the opposite:
- Silence followed by pressure
- Cooperation claimed, obstruction enacted
- Responsibility projected after delay
That’s not resolution.
That’s intermittent reinforcement, one of the most powerful conditioning tools known to the nervous system.
Why It Feels So Familiar
Your body recognises this because it has been here before.
Long-term exposure to mind games trains the nervous system to:
- Scan for threat
- Anticipate reversals
- Brace for consequences after silence
So when it happens again, even in a legal or administrative form, your system reacts immediately.
That doesn’t mean you’re “stuck in the past.”
It means your nervous system is accurately identifying a known danger pattern.
Why They Need Others to Believe the Story
Control weakens when it is clearly seen.
By convincing others they are being reasonable, cooperative, or “the one trying,” they:
- Undermine your credibility
- Reduce scrutiny
- Preserve power without direct confrontation
This isn’t about persuading you.
It’s about controlling the narrative environment.
The Most Important Reframe
This behaviour is not about you failing to move on.
It is about them failing to tolerate loss of control.
And here’s the part that matters most for your sanity:
You do not need to understand them to protect yourself from the pattern.
You only need to:
- Name it
- Document it
- Stop expecting coherence where there is none
Clarity, not confrontation, is what ends the psychological grip.
Final Grounding Truth
This is not new.
You’re not imagining it.
You’re not “reading too much into things.”
You’re seeing continuity.
And once a pattern is fully seen, it slowly loses its power — not because it stops, but because it no longer defines your reality.
That’s not going crazy.
That’s waking up.
