Oh, people always love to say:
“How did you not see it?”
As if abusers come with hazard lights, a warning label, and a user manual titled “I’m Going to Make Your Life a Psychological Escape Room.”

Here’s the truth — delivered with a wink and an eyeroll.

1. Because They Start Off Acting Like a Human Being

Shocking, I know.
They don’t open with:
“Hi, I’m emotionally unstable, denial-powered, and terrified of accountability.”
No, no — they start with the charm offensive.
Like a politician, but with less honesty.

2. Your Brain Was Busy Doing Normal Brain Things

You were operating on dopamine, oxytocin, and the assumption that adults behave like adults.
Your brain wasn’t prepared for theatre.
Especially not the tragicomedy he was rehearsing for years.

3. They’re Professional Mask-Wearers

Some people collect stamps.
Some collect hobbies.
He collects personalities.
One for you, one for the family, one for the neighbours, and one for the mirror when he’s giving himself a pep talk about being “the victim.”

4. Selective Vulnerability: The Oscar-Winning Performance

They tell you one sad story and suddenly you’re starring in the emotional support role.
Congratulations — you didn’t fall for a person.
You fell for a plotline.

5. The Truth Bias: AKA “Normal People Don’t Assume Others Are Lying Constantly”

Most people: “I assume you’re telling the truth.”
Him: “Excellent. Let me exploit that.”

6. They Pretend to Be a Stable Adult in Public

In front of others:

• Calm
• Polite
• Reasonable
• Looks like he irons his own shirts

Behind closed doors:

• Emotional hurricane
• Denial Olympics
• A PhD in Blame-Shifting

It’s not that you didn’t notice.
It’s that the mask was glued on with industrial-strength shame-avoidance.

7. You Were Looking for Connection, Not Crime Scene Clues

You were not auditioning for CSI: Relationship Unit.
You were just trying to build something normal.
Meanwhile, he was running a psychological magic show:
“Now you see the real me — now you don’t!”

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