1. The brain bonds before it evaluates
Through something called Attachment Theory, once you emotionally attach, your brain starts prioritising keeping the connection over questioning it.
So instead of asking “is this fair?” your mind quietly shifts to “how do I make this work?”
2. Intermittent reward keeps you hooked
This is a powerful mechanism known as Intermittent Reinforcement.
If someone gives just enough — a good moment, a trip, attention here and there — your dopamine system stays engaged.
It’s the same pattern that keeps people at slot machines: inconsistency creates stronger attachment than consistency.
3. Your brain fills in the gaps to protect the bond
Cognitive biases like Cognitive Dissonance kick in.
When actions don’t match reality (you giving more, them taking more), your brain softens the truth to reduce discomfort:
“He’s busy”
“He’s stressed”
“It will balance out”
Not because you’re naïve — but because your brain is trying to protect you from emotional loss.
4. Over-giving creates a chemical loop
When you give, organise, nurture — your brain releases oxytocin (bonding hormone).
So ironically, the more you invest, the more you feel attached… even if the other person isn’t matching you.
5. Clarity only comes when you step out
Once you emotionally detach, your prefrontal cortex (logic, pattern recognition) comes back online fully.
That’s when you suddenly see the pattern clearly:
It wasn’t mutual.
It was extraction.
The powerful part of what you’ve said now is this:
You’re no longer in the loop.
You’ve shifted from:
“How do I make this work?” to “Why was I the only one making it work?”
That is a neural and psychological reset.
If you want to turn this into something meaningful the message is simple and strong:
Love is not proven by how much you give It’s revealed by how balanced it feels If you’re always the one organising, paying, adjusting — your nervous system already knows the truth before your mind admits it
And the most important shift you’ve made:
You’ve moved from being chosen… to choosing.
That’s not just healing — that’s rewiring.
Linda C J Turner | Trauma Therapist & Emotional Healing Specialist 
Is this the same process that addiction is formed from?
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Good afternoon Bipolar Kid
Attachment and Addiction: How They Connect
Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional patterns, particularly our ability to feel secure, safe, and connected. People with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) often struggle with regulating emotions and seeking comfort in healthy ways.
Addiction can develop through a similar mechanism: the brain learns to seek rewarding experiences or substances to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional pain. In both cases:
1. Reward pathways are involved – The brain releases dopamine when we feel connection, pleasure, or relief, reinforcing the behavior.
2. Emotional regulation is learned through coping mechanisms – Insecure attachment may make someone more likely to use external sources (like substances, compulsive behaviors, or toxic relationships) to soothe themselves.
3. The cycle reinforces itself – Just as addictive substances create a pattern of craving and temporary relief, attachment-based anxieties can drive repeated behaviors to seek reassurance or closeness.
In short: Insecure attachment can predispose someone to addiction because both involve seeking relief from emotional discomfort through patterns that provide immediate but short-term reward.
Hope this answers your question. Happy Easter Linda – always by your side
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Thank you Linda, and sorry for the extremely late reply. I have addiction issues and I am currently in recovery but it’s hard to find a period of solace. I have bipolar as you probably already know, and I have medication that is very strong. I had a situation where I was struggling monumentally with a manic episode which was very intense and frightening. The strongest and fastest acting solution to me at the time was cocaine. I knew it would not be the answer or do anything positive but it was the only thing that was available to me I thought other than self harm and suicide and I didn’t want to go to them places. So I went with the drug and it didn’t do anything at all. But for some reason I continued with it because I had a thought that one more would help me. One more will work out better for you. I just lied to myself about something I knew was wrong but it was all I had. I didn’t see this until after the episode and I mellowed in to a spot of opportunity to make a narrative about my experience from what I remember.
Addiction doesn’t introduce itself as destruction though, it introduces itself as a solution.
It’s the only illness that makes you think you haven’t got an illness.
It’s left me with a few positives though. It’s shown me that I have to take better care of myself and adhere to the medication reviews that I need for my mental illness medication, which is now two years since my last one and it’s meant to be every three months. That I have no answer until I can see past the cocaine being the best answer to everything because it’s claiming to be. How my illness is that severe and serious it has the potential to take me that far away from my reality that is so far further away than the drug that has the moniker of being the most popular drug that is used to get high. But it’s not even close. I’m just trying to be proactive now and make sure that my episodes in the future are not as severe and I don’t move into a mindset that heightens the potential for risked behaviour and poor judgment that goes hand in hand with bad choices that then need remediation by myself when I’m not in the uncontrollable state. So I have a pill to stop me getting too high, one to keep me above the abyss of the low and one that anchors my mood then in the manageable states that are conducive for me to be able to do the everyday, mandatory stuff.
But I do wonder what the outcome would be if I stopped taking my prescription medication and let the chips fall where they may. Stop seeking out the opinion of someone else about you and be yourself. Legalise everything. That won’t increase risks of increasing use but it will make space for criminals who are worthy of incarceration, like pedophiles and murders, and the ruthless nature of the world and its war on drugs would be a thing of the past. It would raise the gdp of less affluent countries in South America and make the world a better place. Cocaine comes from a plant that grows naturally. It is not man made in a lab but is grown from sunlight and water. The premise of being outlawed for selling a plant in essence is illegal because the government didn’t get to do it first.
I’ll take a break now and get off my soapbox. Sorry for rambling on here but I can’t help it with the bipolar and ADHD. I’m really in need of that medication review 😂💊
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I hear how honest and self-aware this is, especially about what it was like in the middle of a manic episode and how quickly the mind can latch onto something that feels like an “exit” when everything is overwhelming. What you’re describing—knowing something isn’t right, but still feeling like it’s the only available option in that moment—is something that can happen when the nervous system is pushed into extreme states. It doesn’t excuse the risk, but it does explain the desperation underneath it.
In bipolar disorder, especially during mania or mixed states, the brain’s reward and impulse systems can go into overdrive. Bipolar disorder can significantly affect judgment, risk perception, and impulse control. When that’s combined with substances like cocaine, which strongly amplify dopamine activity, it can intensify the cycle rather than stabilise it—even if the initial thought is “this will help me get through.”
What you also named very clearly is something clinicians see often: addiction presenting itself as a solution before it is recognised as a pattern. That insight—“it introduces itself as a solution”—is actually a key psychological truth. Addiction often operates through short-term relief loops, especially when someone is already in distress or dysregulated states.
There’s also something important in what you said about medication and structure. The combination of mood stabilisers, careful monitoring, and regular review isn’t about control for its own sake—it’s about reducing volatility in systems that are already highly sensitive. When you described having medication to lift lows, prevent highs, and “anchor” mood, that reflects the clinical goal of stabilisation in bipolar treatment: reducing extremes so decision-making can come back online more consistently.
And the part about wondering what would happen if you stopped medication—this is a very common thought in recovery and mood disorders, especially when you’re starting to feel some insight or frustration with the system. But with bipolar, stopping medication abruptly can significantly increase the risk of relapse, including severe mania or depression. That’s not a moral statement—it’s a neurochemical reality of how the illness works in many people.
The fact that you’re reflecting on risk, responsibility, and future episodes already shows something important: awareness returning after instability. That reflective space is often where real change gets built—not in the episode itself, but afterwards when the nervous system is quieter.
And yes—you’re right that it’s a good idea to prioritise a medication review sooner rather than later, especially if it’s overdue. That’s not just administrative; it’s part of keeping the system supported and reducing the chance of another intense swing.
One important thing I want to say clearly: if thoughts around self-harm or suicide come back in any way that feels active or hard to manage, it’s really important to reach out for immediate support locally (in Spain, that can be emergency services or a crisis line). You don’t have to wait for things to escalate to deserve support.
You’re not rambling here. This reads like someone trying to make sense of something intense and turn it into understanding rather than repetition—which is exactly what recovery work often looks like.
If you want, I can also help you map out early warning signs of mania or relapse patterns in a simple way so you can spot them sooner next time.
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