1. The brain bonds before it evaluates
Through something called Attachment Theory, once you emotionally attach, your brain starts prioritising keeping the connection over questioning it.
So instead of asking “is this fair?” your mind quietly shifts to “how do I make this work?”
2. Intermittent reward keeps you hooked
This is a powerful mechanism known as Intermittent Reinforcement.
If someone gives just enough — a good moment, a trip, attention here and there — your dopamine system stays engaged.
It’s the same pattern that keeps people at slot machines: inconsistency creates stronger attachment than consistency.
3. Your brain fills in the gaps to protect the bond
Cognitive biases like Cognitive Dissonance kick in.
When actions don’t match reality (you giving more, them taking more), your brain softens the truth to reduce discomfort:
“He’s busy”
“He’s stressed”
“It will balance out”
Not because you’re naïve — but because your brain is trying to protect you from emotional loss.
4. Over-giving creates a chemical loop
When you give, organise, nurture — your brain releases oxytocin (bonding hormone).
So ironically, the more you invest, the more you feel attached… even if the other person isn’t matching you.
5. Clarity only comes when you step out
Once you emotionally detach, your prefrontal cortex (logic, pattern recognition) comes back online fully.
That’s when you suddenly see the pattern clearly:
It wasn’t mutual.
It was extraction.
The powerful part of what you’ve said now is this:
You’re no longer in the loop.
You’ve shifted from:
“How do I make this work?” to “Why was I the only one making it work?”
That is a neural and psychological reset.
If you want to turn this into something meaningful the message is simple and strong:
Love is not proven by how much you give It’s revealed by how balanced it feels If you’re always the one organising, paying, adjusting — your nervous system already knows the truth before your mind admits it
And the most important shift you’ve made:
You’ve moved from being chosen… to choosing.
That’s not just healing — that’s rewiring.
Linda C J Turner | Trauma Therapist & Emotional Healing Specialist 
Is this the same process that addiction is formed from?
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Good afternoon Bipolar Kid
Attachment and Addiction: How They Connect
Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional patterns, particularly our ability to feel secure, safe, and connected. People with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) often struggle with regulating emotions and seeking comfort in healthy ways.
Addiction can develop through a similar mechanism: the brain learns to seek rewarding experiences or substances to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional pain. In both cases:
1. Reward pathways are involved – The brain releases dopamine when we feel connection, pleasure, or relief, reinforcing the behavior.
2. Emotional regulation is learned through coping mechanisms – Insecure attachment may make someone more likely to use external sources (like substances, compulsive behaviors, or toxic relationships) to soothe themselves.
3. The cycle reinforces itself – Just as addictive substances create a pattern of craving and temporary relief, attachment-based anxieties can drive repeated behaviors to seek reassurance or closeness.
In short: Insecure attachment can predispose someone to addiction because both involve seeking relief from emotional discomfort through patterns that provide immediate but short-term reward.
Hope this answers your question. Happy Easter Linda – always by your side
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Thank you Linda, and sorry for the extremely late reply. I have addiction issues and I am currently in recovery but it’s hard to find a period of solace. I have bipolar as you probably already know, and I have medication that is very strong. I had a situation where I was struggling monumentally with a manic episode which was very intense and frightening. The strongest and fastest acting solution to me at the time was cocaine. I knew it would not be the answer or do anything positive but it was the only thing that was available to me I thought other than self harm and suicide and I didn’t want to go to them places. So I went with the drug and it didn’t do anything at all. But for some reason I continued with it because I had a thought that one more would help me. One more will work out better for you. I just lied to myself about something I knew was wrong but it was all I had. I didn’t see this until after the episode and I mellowed in to a spot of opportunity to make a narrative about my experience from what I remember.
Addiction doesn’t introduce itself as destruction though, it introduces itself as a solution.
It’s the only illness that makes you think you haven’t got an illness.
It’s left me with a few positives though. It’s shown me that I have to take better care of myself and adhere to the medication reviews that I need for my mental illness medication, which is now two years since my last one and it’s meant to be every three months. That I have no answer until I can see past the cocaine being the best answer to everything because it’s claiming to be. How my illness is that severe and serious it has the potential to take me that far away from my reality that is so far further away than the drug that has the moniker of being the most popular drug that is used to get high. But it’s not even close. I’m just trying to be proactive now and make sure that my episodes in the future are not as severe and I don’t move into a mindset that heightens the potential for risked behaviour and poor judgment that goes hand in hand with bad choices that then need remediation by myself when I’m not in the uncontrollable state. So I have a pill to stop me getting too high, one to keep me above the abyss of the low and one that anchors my mood then in the manageable states that are conducive for me to be able to do the everyday, mandatory stuff.
But I do wonder what the outcome would be if I stopped taking my prescription medication and let the chips fall where they may. Stop seeking out the opinion of someone else about you and be yourself. Legalise everything. That won’t increase risks of increasing use but it will make space for criminals who are worthy of incarceration, like pedophiles and murders, and the ruthless nature of the world and its war on drugs would be a thing of the past. It would raise the gdp of less affluent countries in South America and make the world a better place. Cocaine comes from a plant that grows naturally. It is not man made in a lab but is grown from sunlight and water. The premise of being outlawed for selling a plant in essence is illegal because the government didn’t get to do it first.
I’ll take a break now and get off my soapbox. Sorry for rambling on here but I can’t help it with the bipolar and ADHD. I’m really in need of that medication review 😂💊
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