🟢 THE HEALTHY SEPARATED MAN
A man whose nervous system is not held together by duct tape and denial.
🏡 Has his own place
Might be tiny. Might be a studio. Might be decorated exclusively with IKEA and hope.
But it’s HIS.
🧘♂️ Regulates his emotions
He feels feelings like a grown-up:
- sadness → journal
- stress → gym
- anger → therapist
- loneliness → doesn’t use your body as a coping mechanism
📑 Divorce process? He can explain it without sweating
He knows the timeline, the paperwork, and the plan.
He even uses words like “settlement” and “amicable” without twitching.
📉 Doesn’t trash his ex
He’s not auditioning for Real Housewives.
He can say:
- “We both contributed.”
- “We grew apart.”
- “I learned a lot.”
A man speaking in complete sentences = prefrontal cortex fully online.
🐌 Moves slowly because he respects the process
He’s not trying to reattach like a velcro toddler.
He wants connection, not a relocation service.
👁️ Actually sees you
Not as a savior.
Not as a nurse.
Not as a replacement wife.
As a person.
🧠 Neuroscience translation:
His amygdala is calm, his dopamine is stable, and his attachment system isn’t screaming for a host.
🔴 THE UNHEALTHY SEPARATED MAN
A man whose life is a live-action soap opera and he thinks you’re the plot twist.
🏚️ “Staying with a friend temporarily”
Translation: He is living out of a bag, three chargers, and a dream.
Also hasn’t changed his mailing address since 2014.
🚨 Love-bombs you like it’s a hostage situation
You are “the most amazing woman” he’s ever met…
on day 2.
This is not romance.
This is cortisol and abandonment fear doing the tango.
📱 Divorce details? “It’s complicated.”
He suddenly becomes vague, blurry, and allergic to specifics.
You ask one question and he replies with a TED Talk about being “misunderstood.”
🥊 Talks about his ex like she’s Voldemort
She’s crazy.
She’s evil.
She ruined his life.
She stole his socks.
Sir, you’re 77. Process your emotions.
💸 Financial situation unclear
He left a house he didn’t technically own.
The assets are tied up.
The accounts are frozen.
His wallet is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in bad choices.
📍 Moves in faster than Amazon Prime
“Oh, it’s just for a week while I sort things out…”
Six months later his electric toothbrush has residency rights.
🧠 Neuroscience translation:
His limbic system is on fire, his prefrontal cortex is on sick leave, and his dopamine is using you as a coping mechanism.
⚡ Quick Guide: How to Tell the Difference
| Behavior | Healthy | Unhealthy |
|---|---|---|
| Living situation | Has a place | Has a bag |
| Talks about ex | Calm & balanced | HBO drama |
| Divorce details | Clear | “It’s complicated…” |
| Emotional regulation | Adult | Volcano |
| Pace | Slow & stable | Fast & furious |
| Intentions | Connection | Shelter + distraction |
🧠 Final Truth:
A healthy separated man is rebuilding his life.
An unhealthy separated man is patching holes with your nervous system.
By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate — Linda C J Turner Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment ©Linda C J Turner
