When a partner insists on knowing everything about you—your finances, activities, thoughts—while being highly secretive themselves, it’s a clear sign of a control imbalance. This behavior can feel invasive and creates a dynamic where you’re under constant scrutiny, while they hold their own information close, limiting your ability to truly know and trust them. Here’s a breakdown of why this is harmful and some steps to protect your autonomy and well-being in this situation:

1. Understanding the Underlying Imbalance

This pattern of needing to know everything about you without sharing information about themselves often points to a desire for control rather than connection. This approach is sometimes rooted in insecurity or a need for power. By keeping their own life hidden, they can maintain a sense of mystery and dominance, while insisting on access to your information ensures they have oversight and influence over you. This is fundamentally unfair and unhealthy, as true intimacy is built on mutual openness and trust, not one-sided surveillance.

2. Recognizing the Emotional Toll

Constant monitoring from a partner, paired with their secrecy, can create anxiety, self-doubt, and a persistent sense of imbalance. It’s natural to feel insecure or second-guess your own actions when someone else is constantly overseeing them. Over time, this can chip away at your confidence and make you feel as though you need to justify or defend yourself, even for everyday choices. This is especially damaging if they use the information they have about you to control decisions or to limit your freedom in subtle ways.

3. Setting Personal Boundaries to Protect Your Privacy

You have a right to privacy, even in a committed relationship. While openness can be healthy, so too is retaining a sense of personal independence. Begin by setting boundaries around what information you share and how often. For example, you might choose not to disclose certain financial details or personal plans if they aren’t relevant to your shared life. Firmly but kindly communicate that you value both partners’ privacy in the relationship and that you don’t need constant monitoring to build trust.

4. Request Mutual Transparency for Fairness

If transparency is important to your partner, it should be mutual. Explain that knowing and trusting each other is a two-way street and that true transparency should involve both partners sharing equally. You could approach this by saying, “I’m open to sharing, but I also need to feel that this is mutual. If we’re building trust, let’s both commit to being open in a balanced way.” How they respond to this can reveal a lot about their intentions—whether they’re genuinely interested in transparency or simply in control.

5. Practice Selective Disclosure

If your partner insists on knowing everything while staying secretive, be mindful of what you share. You might choose to keep certain aspects of your life private as a way to maintain your autonomy. This could include personal finances, independent activities, or future plans that don’t directly affect your partner. Selective disclosure isn’t about being deceptive; it’s about protecting yourself from unnecessary monitoring and maintaining a sense of personal independence.

6. Strengthen Your Support Network

Having friends, family, or a trusted therapist as sounding boards can help you maintain perspective and reaffirm your right to privacy. People outside the relationship can offer insight and remind you that expecting respect and equality is entirely reasonable. They can also offer emotional support if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s behavior or if you’re considering making changes to establish healthier boundaries.

7. Consider Professional Support if Needed

If your partner’s behavior feels overwhelming, a therapist or counselor can help you navigate these dynamics and explore ways to establish healthier boundaries. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety around the constant monitoring and build strategies to protect your independence.

8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture of the Relationship

Consistent secrecy and the need to control another’s life can be part of a larger pattern of emotional manipulation. Step back and consider if this dynamic extends to other areas of your relationship. Do you feel respected, valued, and supported, or do you often feel anxious, undermined, or as though you’re “walking on eggshells”? These questions can help clarify whether this pattern is isolated to specific areas or if it’s a broader dynamic that may need to be addressed for your well-being.

Moving Forward with Your Boundaries in Place

Control and secrecy are often more about power than partnership. If your partner is willing to work toward balance and mutual respect, it’s possible to address these issues together, ideally with support from a counselor if they’re open to it. However, if they refuse to respect your boundaries and continue the secrecy and scrutiny, you may need to consider whether this relationship supports your autonomy and well-being. Ultimately, you deserve a relationship where trust, openness, and respect are mutual, and where you’re seen as an equal, not as someone to be monitored or controlled.