From a psychological and neuroscientific perspective, this can happen. Some abusive individuals will make decisions that appear irrational—sacrificing relationships, finances, reputation, or even their own future—because the immediate need to dominate or avoid feeling powerless overrides long-term self-interest.

The key point is that control is not the same as power.

The Psychology of the Illusion of Control

An abusive person’s behaviour is often driven by a deep fear of losing status, superiority, or influence. When a partner leaves, sets boundaries, or becomes independent, it can be experienced as a profound threat to their self-image.

Rather than adapting, they may:

• Escalate legal battles that cost both parties enormous sums.
• Sabotage the sale of a home, even when it damages their own finances.
• Alienate children, family, or friends.
• Ignore professional advice.
• Continue conflict long after there is anything tangible to gain.

To an outside observer this seems irrational. To the abuser, maintaining the feeling of dominance can become more important than achieving a practical outcome.

What Neuroscience Suggests

Under perceived threat, the brain shifts from thoughtful problem-solving toward survival responses.

Research suggests that:

• The amygdala, which detects threat, becomes highly activated when an individual feels challenged or humiliated.
• Increased stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline narrow attention onto “winning” or “defending” rather than considering long-term consequences.
• The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning, empathy, planning, and impulse control, becomes less influential during intense emotional arousal.
• The brain’s reward pathways may reinforce behaviours that temporarily restore a sense of superiority or control, even when those behaviours ultimately cause self-damage.

This means the person may genuinely feel they are “taking back control,” while objectively they are destroying the very things they claim to value.

The Paradox

The tragedy is that in trying to control another person, they often lose control of themselves.

They may lose:

• Their marriage.
• Their family relationships.
• Their financial security.
• Their reputation.
• Their peace of mind.

Yet continue believing that “if I just keep fighting, I’ll win.”

Why It Is an Illusion

Real control means being able to regulate your own emotions, make considered decisions, adapt to changing circumstances, and accept what you cannot control.

Abusive control attempts the opposite:

• Controlling another person’s thoughts.
• Controlling another person’s behaviour.
• Controlling another person’s freedom.
• Controlling another person’s finances.
• Controlling another person’s future.

None of these can ever be guaranteed.

The only thing they truly control is their own behaviour—and when that behaviour is driven by fear, anger, entitlement, or revenge, they often end up creating the very outcome they were trying to prevent.

A Useful Way of Thinking About It

Healthy power is self-control.
Abusive power is the attempt to control someone else.
The first creates freedom. The second creates an illusion that eventually collapses under its own weight.

This is why psychologists often say that coercive control is fundamentally rooted in insecurity, fear of losing dominance, and emotional dysregulation, not genuine strength. Someone who is truly secure has little need to control another person.