The Psychology and Neuroscience Behind Why Some Abusive Individuals Struggle With Another Person’s Happiness

One of the most confusing experiences for many survivors is realising that their partner seemed unable to genuinely celebrate their happiness, achievements or independence.

Whether it was a promotion at work, financial success, new friendships, growing confidence or simply enjoying life, positive moments were sometimes met not with encouragement, but with criticism, resentment, withdrawal or attempts to diminish them.

Psychology suggests that, for some individuals, this response is not simply about jealousy. It may reflect a deeper interaction between insecurity, perceived threats to identity, emotional regulation and beliefs about relationships.

When Another Person’s Success Feels Like a Personal Threat

Most emotionally healthy people are able to separate another person’s achievements from their own sense of worth.

They can think:

“I’m genuinely pleased for them.”

For someone with a fragile sense of self-worth, however, another person’s success may trigger a very different internal response.

Instead of experiencing another person’s happiness as something to celebrate, their brain interprets it as evidence that they are becoming less important, less admired or less in control.

Psychologists sometimes describe this as a status threat or ego threat. Research suggests that some people react strongly when they believe their social standing, importance or identity is being challenged.

The Brain’s Threat Detection System

The brain is designed to detect threats.

The amygdala is central to this process. Although it evolved to respond to physical danger, it also reacts to social threats such as rejection, criticism, humiliation or loss of status.

For some individuals, seeing a partner become more confident, independent or successful may activate this threat system.

The brain is not consciously thinking:

“I’m happy for them.”

Instead, it may automatically register:

“I’m losing influence.”

“They may no longer need me.”

“I’m no longer the centre of attention.”

These rapid emotional reactions occur before logical reasoning has fully engaged.

The Role of the Prefrontal Cortex

Normally, the prefrontal cortex helps regulate emotional reactions.

It allows us to pause and think:

“Their success does not diminish my own value.”

When emotional regulation is poor, strong feelings of insecurity or shame can overwhelm this reflective process. Instead of managing the uncomfortable emotion, a person may react with criticism, withdrawal, controlling behaviour or attempts to regain a sense of power.

This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it helps explain why some people respond defensively rather than supportively.

Envy Versus Admiration

Psychologists distinguish between benign envy and malicious envy.

Benign envy motivates self-improvement.

“They’ve done well. I’d like to learn how they achieved it.”

Malicious envy motivates efforts to reduce another person’s success.

“If I can’t have it, they shouldn’t either.”

Research suggests that malicious envy is more likely when another person’s achievements are seen as threatening one’s own identity or self-esteem.

Control Can Become a Way of Managing Insecurity

For some people, controlling another person’s choices, relationships or confidence may temporarily reduce their own feelings of uncertainty.

Control can create a short-lived sense of safety or importance.

Unfortunately, this relief is temporary. Because the underlying insecurity has not been resolved, the need to control often returns.

Over time, this can become a repeating cycle in which increasing independence by one partner is met with increasing attempts to regain influence by the other.

Why Praise for Others Can Feel Difficult

Healthy relationships involve celebrating each other’s achievements.

However, individuals whose self-worth depends heavily on comparison or external validation may find this difficult.

Complimenting someone else can feel, to them, like diminishing themselves.

As a result, they may minimise achievements, change the subject, criticise successes or focus attention back on themselves.

These reactions are not signs of confidence. They often reflect difficulty tolerating feelings of inadequacy.

Healthy Confidence Looks Different

People with secure self-esteem generally experience another person’s success as something that adds to the relationship rather than threatens it.

They understand that love, encouragement and pride are not limited resources.

A partner’s success does not reduce their own worth.

Instead, they recognise that healthy relationships are strengthened when both people are free to grow, succeed and support one another.

An Important Reminder

It is important to avoid assuming that insecurity automatically leads to abusive behaviour. Many people struggle with low self-esteem or envy and never become controlling or abusive.

Likewise, abusive behaviour cannot be explained by neuroscience alone. It arises from a complex interaction of personality, learned behaviour, beliefs, life experiences, emotional regulation and individual choices.

Neuroscience helps us understand why certain emotional reactions may occur. Psychology helps us understand recurring patterns. Neither removes personal responsibility. Regardless of the underlying causes, every individual remains responsible for how they choose to treat other people.