Even when there are restraining orders, criminal charges, or clear evidence of domestic abuse, some people still defend or minimise the abuser’s behaviour. This can feel shocking, especially to someone who knows the truth.
1. Psychological denial
People sometimes go into denial because the reality is too uncomfortable to accept.
If the abuser is:
- A family member
- A long-time friend
- Someone they respect
…then accepting the abuse means they must also accept that they were wrong about that person. For many, that is emotionally difficult, so the brain protects itself by rejecting the truth.
2. Cognitive dissonance (brain conflict)
This is a well-known concept in psychology.
It happens when someone holds two conflicting beliefs at the same time, for example:
- “He’s a good person”
- “He committed abuse”
Rather than changing their belief about the person, they may:
- Minimise the abuse
- Blame the victim
- Ignore evidence
This reduces their internal discomfort, even if it distorts reality.
3. Loyalty and family dynamics
In families especially, loyalty can override logic.
You may hear things like:
- “But he’s still my son/brother”
- “We don’t abandon family”
This can lead to protecting the abuser at the expense of the victim, even when legal action has been taken.
4. Fear and self-protection
Sometimes people are afraid:
- Afraid of conflict
- Afraid of the abuser
- Afraid of family breakdown
So instead of confronting the situation, they stay silent or side with the abuser because it feels safer.
5. Manipulation by the abuser
Abusers are often very skilled at controlling narratives.
They may:
- Present themselves as the victim
- Lie convincingly
- Turn others against the real victim
- Use charm or reputation to gain support
This is why outsiders can be misled.
6. Lack of understanding of abuse
Many people still misunderstand coercive control and emotional abuse. If there are no visible injuries, they may not recognise the seriousness.
They might think:
- “It can’t be that bad”
- “It’s just relationship problems”
Even when legal systems have intervened.
The reality
Ignoring restraining orders or criminal charges doesn’t make the abuse disappear. It simply shows how powerful denial, loyalty, and manipulation can be.
From a psychological and neuroscience perspective:
- People protect their beliefs to feel safe
- The brain avoids distressing truths
- Social bonds can override moral judgement
What matters most
If you are on the receiving end of this situation, the most important thing to remember is:
👉 Other people’s denial does not invalidate your reality
👉 Legal action exists for a reason
👉 Abuse is never justified by loyalty or opinion
A grounded truth
People who protect an abuser are often not seeing clearly—not because the truth isn’t there, but because they are unable or unwilling to face it.
That doesn’t make it right.
But it does explain how it happens.
Linda C J Turner | Trauma Therapist & Emotional Healing Specialist 