It is a common defense tactic for abusers to deflect responsibility by claiming that past events should remain in the past. When faced with the aftermath of their actions, they might insist that bygones be bygones, dismissing the victim’s right to process, heal, and set boundaries. This attitude not only invalidates the survivor’s trauma but also attempts to sweep serious issues under the rug, often exacerbating the psychological damage.

The Weaponization of “Moving On”

When someone who has inflicted harm insists that “the past should stay in the past,” they are not asking for healing—they are asking for silence. They seek to erase accountability, using the rhetoric of “moving on” as a shield against the consequences of their actions. It’s a form of manipulation, where the abuser tries to control the narrative, making it seem unreasonable for the victim to revisit or acknowledge the trauma.

This attitude reflects a lack of true remorse. It can also perpetuate emotional abuse by gaslighting the survivor—making them question their reality and the validity of their feelings. A person who genuinely seeks to repair the damage they’ve caused will be open to discussing the past and working through it, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Why Revisiting the Past Matters

1. Trauma Healing Requires Acknowledgment: For survivors of abuse, the notion that the past should be forgotten ignores the reality of trauma. Trauma doesn’t disappear when it’s ignored; it festers. For real healing to take place, the pain and impact of the abuse must be acknowledged, often repeatedly, as part of the processing and recovery journey. Simply being told to “move on” doesn’t address the lingering emotional, mental, and sometimes physical scars that remain.
2. Abuse Creates a Power Imbalance: In an abusive relationship, power dynamics are often skewed in favor of the abuser. By insisting that the past be ignored, the abuser is essentially reinforcing this power imbalance. They are dictating how, when, and if the trauma should be addressed, further invalidating the survivor’s experience. True healing and reconciliation can only occur when the survivor is allowed to express their feelings on their own terms.
3. Trust Is Rebuilt Through Accountability: Trust isn’t something that can be demanded after it has been broken. When abusers expect their victims to simply let go of the past, they’re undermining the process of rebuilding trust. Accountability for past actions is a cornerstone of trust. Without it, any sense of safety or stability in a relationship remains fragile.
4. The Past Informs the Present: The past is not just an isolated event—especially when it comes to physical abuse. It shapes the survivor’s present emotional state, their behavior, and their relationships with others. Insisting that past abuse be left unaddressed ignores the very real ways it continues to impact the survivor’s life today. By refusing to talk about it, the abuser is preventing the survivor from fully expressing their pain and thus impeding their ability to heal.

Sweeping Abuse Under the Rug: The Long-Term Impact

When abusers successfully sweep their actions under the rug, it creates an atmosphere of unresolved tension. For the survivor, it can lead to:

• Emotional Suppression: Survivors may feel pressure to bury their pain, leading to unresolved emotions that can manifest in anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.
• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: When abusers dismiss past harm, they often disregard boundaries. Survivors may struggle to assert themselves in future relationships, unsure whether they have the right to demand respect and accountability.
• Re-traumatization: When an abuser refuses to acknowledge their actions, it can re-traumatize the survivor. This dismissal can trigger memories of the abuse, compounding the trauma and delaying healing.
• Isolation: Survivors may feel that their pain is invisible or invalid, leading them to withdraw from support systems. If their abuser is a close partner, friend, or family member, this dynamic can lead to a profound sense of isolation.

Why Forgiveness is Not the Same as Forgetting

While forgiveness can be a powerful step in the healing journey, it is important to differentiate between forgiveness and forgetting. Forgiving does not mean that the survivor must erase the event from their memory or never bring it up again. Forgiveness, if the survivor chooses to offer it, is about releasing oneself from the grip of the pain—not about absolving the abuser of responsibility.

Survivors have every right to bring up the past abuse, especially when it affects their current emotions, mental state, or sense of safety. Forgetting past abuse often leads to a cycle of continued mistreatment, especially when the abuser is not held accountable for their actions.

How to Respond to the “Leave the Past in the Past” Argument

When someone insists that the past should stay in the past, it’s essential to recognize that this is an attempt to avoid accountability. Here are a few ways to approach this:

1. Hold Firm on Your Right to Acknowledge the Past: Let them know that the past continues to affect you, and it’s crucial for your healing to address it. For example, you could say, “The past may be in the past for you, but it still impacts me today, and I need to talk about it to move forward.”
2. Emphasize the Need for Accountability: Explain that trust and healing require them to take responsibility for their actions. Healing is not a one-sided journey, and without acknowledging the harm caused, it’s impossible to rebuild trust.
3. Set Boundaries: If the person continues to deny or minimize the abuse, it may be necessary to establish firm boundaries. You have the right to protect your mental and emotional health, even if it means distancing yourself from someone who refuses to take responsibility.
4. Seek Support: If the abuser refuses to acknowledge the harm or actively tries to sweep it under the rug, reaching out to supportive friends, family, or a therapist can help you navigate the situation. Having a trusted support system reinforces the reality of your experiences and gives you the strength to stand firm in your healing journey.

Conclusion: Healing on Your Own Terms

Physical abuse leaves deep, often invisible scars. Insisting that the past be forgotten is not only an erasure of the trauma experienced, but it is also an attempt to continue the cycle of control. Survivors have every right to revisit the past, to demand accountability, and to set boundaries for their emotional well-being. Healing is not about sweeping pain under the rug—it’s about confronting it, processing it, and finding ways to move forward in a way that honors the survivor’s experience.

No one has the right to tell you when or how to heal, and no one who has caused harm should expect their actions to be forgotten simply because time has passed.