One question has surprised me more than any other since rebuilding my life. As I meet new people and they learn that I have left an abusive relationship, the conversation often follows a similar path. “What was your ex’s name?” If they recognise the name, the response is frequently immediate. “Oh… I’ve heard of him.”… Read More “Can I See a Photo of Him?”
One of the hardest realisations after leaving a controlling or abusive relationship is recognising that the behaviour didn’t begin with you. You didn’t cause it. You didn’t create it. And, unless the person genuinely accepts responsibility and commits to meaningful change, it is unlikely to end with you. Many patterns of behaviour are learned early… Read More “I Wasn’t the First, and I Won’t Be the Last”
Sometimes, families have a phrase for someone whose behaviour is so consistent that it becomes part of their identity. One phrase I’ve heard is “Bare Minimum.” Not because the person lacked money. Not because they were unable to be generous. But because, regardless of the occasion, they gave the absolute minimum they believed they could get… Read More “Bare Minimum” – When Doing the Least Becomes a Way of Life
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture shouting, threats, or physical violence. What is less recognised is financial abuse—a form of coercive control that can quietly erode a person’s independence, confidence, and future over many years. Financial abuse isn’t simply about one partner earning more than the other. It is about using money as a… Read More When Financial Abuse Is Hidden in Plain Sight
If assets have been hidden throughout the marriage, rather than only after separation, the legal issues can be more serious. If one spouse consistently contributed to the household or a joint account but the other spouse concealed money or assets, prevented purchases, or diverted funds into accounts or property held by relatives or other third parties,… Read More Hiding assets throughout the marriage
It’s an interesting transformation. For years, there always seemed to be something to say about someone else. Someone to report. Someone to criticise. Someone to blame. Someone whose reputation needed to be questioned. Someone who, in their eyes, had done them wrong. Then, one day… Silence. The person who was once so visible becomes what… Read More The Invisible Man
The mindset can vary from person to person, so it’s not possible to know exactly what any one individual is thinking. However, psychologists often describe certain patterns of thinking that can underlie persistent blame, resentment, and attempts to undermine others. Some common patterns include: “I’m the victim.” They see themselves as the wronged party in almost every conflict,… Read More General psychological patterns
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a new relationship is focusing only on how someone treats them. In the early stages, many people are on their best behaviour. Instead, widen the lens. Look at the quality of their relationships with the people who have known them the longest. While no single factor proves someone… Read More Look Beyond How They Treat You—Look at How They Live
One of the questions I am asked most often is: “How can I spot an abuser before I become emotionally invested?” The truth is that many abusive people do not reveal who they really are on the first date. If they did, very few people would choose to continue the relationship. Instead, abuse often begins… Read More Can You Recognise an Abuser Before You Enter a Relationship?
One of the most painful experiences for survivors of domestic abuse is hearing someone close to them say: “I doubt he’ll kill you.” It may be intended as reassurance, but to someone living with abuse, those words can feel dismissive, minimising, and dangerously out of touch with reality. The truth is that relatives, friends, and… Read More “I Doubt He’ll Kill You” – Why Well-Meaning Relatives Can Get It Wrong
