It’s not just about the practical nuisance of bills showing up, it can also feel like an abuser’s shadow still creeping into your safe space. You’ve already taken the big, brave step of legally separating yourself. Now it’s about making sure their financial mess doesn’t spill into your life anymore. Here are some clear steps… Read More “Not mine. Not my debt. Not my life anymore.”
A young child who is left shut in a room, ignored, and exhibiting behaviors like rocking and head-banging is showing clear signs of distress and trauma. These behaviors are often ways that children try to self-soothe when they feel unsafe, abandoned, or overwhelmed. Some important points to understand about this behavior: Rocking can provide a… Read More Ignoring a child in Trauma
“Hidden cruelty,” —likely referencing Alice Miller’s work on poisonous pedagogy—refers to subtle, socially accepted forms of harm inflicted on children that are not overtly recognized as abuse. Unlike obvious physical violence or screaming, hidden cruelty is covert, psychologically manipulative, or morally justified, making it hard for both children and society to label it as abusive. Let’s break it… Read More Characteristics of Hidden Cruelty
A person who is angry and abusive throughout their life usually has deep-rooted patterns that begin early and are reinforced over time. It’s rarely a single cause—more often, it’s a complex mix of childhood experiences, temperament, neurobiology, and social learning. Here’s a detailed breakdown: 1. Early Childhood Trauma and Abuse Exposure to violence or harsh discipline: Growing up… Read More Early Childhood Trauma and Abuse
Returning to the themes of her classic The Drama of the Gifted Child, the famed psychoanalyst examines the consequences of cruelty to children and offers ways we can heal our early psychic wounds. . More than twenty years ago, a little-known Swiss psychoanalyst wrote a book that changed the way many people viewed themselves and… Read More The Truth Will Set You Free
1. The Importance of Early Mother-Infant Bonding The first weeks of life are critical for attachment formation, a concept studied extensively by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Infants develop a sense of safety and trust primarily through consistent, sensitive caregiving, usually from the mother or primary caregiver. Separation from the mother in this window, especially if prolonged,… Read More The Importance of Early Mother-Infant Bonding
Aspect Poisonous Pedagogy (Alice Miller) Healthy Discipline / Modern Psychology Why It Matters Core Philosophy Uses manipulation, fear, and shame to control children. The child is seen as needing to be “broken” or molded to the adult’s will. Guides children with empathy, boundaries, and consistency. The child is seen as inherently valuable and capable of… Read More Poisonous Pedagogy vs. Healthy Discipline
Alice Miller was one of the most outspoken voices on it. Let me expand on her ideas about poisonous pedagogy, then bring in the perspectives of other psychologists and child development experts on smacking, punishment, and manipulation. Alice Miller: Poisonous Pedagogy Miller coined the term “poisonous pedagogy” to describe child-rearing practices that manipulate, dominate, or break a child’s… Read More Smacking, punishment, and manipulation.
The introduction to the first chapter in Miller’s first book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, first published in 1979, contains a line that summarises her core view. In it, she writes: Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of… Read More Alice Miller
I remember the moment with a kind of quiet shock. I had carried so many doubts, questions, and rationalizations for years. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I really was the problem. That was the loop in my head, on repeat. But then I sat in the psychologist’s office — a calm, neutral… Read More ✍️ The Day I Realized It Was Abuse
