(while staying regulated)
First: the mindset shift (this prevents hypervigilance)
You are not looking for red flags.
You are noticing patterns of aliveness over time.
Deadness isn’t danger — it’s absence.
Absence reveals itself slowly and consistently.
1. What to watch (externally) vs what to feel (internally)
Watch (neutral observation)
- Facial expressiveness across contexts
- Curiosity about people, ideas, experiences
- Spontaneous joy, humour, play
- Emotional range (not just calm or irritation)
Feel (your body’s data)
- Do I feel more alive or more muted after time together?
- Do I relax or subtly brace?
- Am I energized, neutral, or slightly drained?
Rule:
Trust trend, not moment.
2. Early indicators that look “fine” but matter
| Looks like | Actually signals |
|---|---|
| “Very calm” | Low emotional activation |
| “Not needy” | Limited relational bandwidth |
| “Low drama” | Avoidance of emotional depth |
| “Independent” | Discomfort with mutual regulation |
| “Content with routine” | Narrow reward system |
None are bad traits.
Together and persistent? Data.
3. The bid test (gentle, non-threatening)
Make small emotional bids — nothing heavy.
Examples:
- Share a minor joy
- Express mild disappointment
- Invite shared play
- Show vulnerability at 5%, not 50%
Notice:
- Do they receive it?
- Do they expand it?
- Or does it drop?
Hypervigilance asks why.
Regulated curiosity asks what happens next.
4. Track reciprocity, not intensity
Early chemistry can mask deadness.
Instead notice:
- Do they initiate emotional contact?
- Do they follow your lead or only respond?
- Do they bring emotional content without prompting?
You’re not scoring points — you’re noticing direction of flow.
5. The joy ratio (quiet but telling)
Ask yourself after a few weeks:
“Have I seen them light up?”
Not politeness.
Not competence.
Not pride.
Actual joy.
If joy only appears in:
- solitary activities
- objects or hobbies
- controlled environments
…that’s information.
6. What not to do (this keeps you out of hypervigilance)
❌ Don’t interrogate
❌ Don’t psychoanalyse
❌ Don’t compare them to your ex
❌ Don’t self-abandon to “wait and see”
❌ Don’t override your body with explanations
Hypervigilance tries to decide early.
Safety lets things reveal themselves.
7. The internal boundary check
A simple grounding question:
“Am I being myself — or am I managing the atmosphere?”
The moment you notice self-management, slow down.
That’s not alarm.
That’s guidance.
8. Time is your ally
Emotionally dead patterns cannot perform aliveness indefinitely.
So:
- keep your life full
- don’t rush intimacy
- stay in your body
- let them show you who they are without pressure
Deadness shows up not as crisis —
but as flat continuity.
9. The green flag that matters most
You feel more you, not more careful.
That’s it.
That’s the anchor.
A final regulating reminder
You don’t need to spot deadness perfectly.
Your nervous system already knows how to leave environments that cost it life.
Now you’re just learning to listen sooner — without fear.
