Rebuilding joy around holidays that were once ruined is absolutely possible, and often, it becomes even more beautiful than before because it’s conscious, intentional, and fully yours.
You’re not just “getting over” the past — you’re reclaiming territory that used to belong to someone else’s chaos.
Think of this as taking your holidays back, and rewriting the emotional script.
Here’s how to do it in a way that works psychologically, emotionally, and neurologically.
1. Start by naming the wound clearly
Most people try to skip this step, but it’s essential.
Ruined holidays hurt because:
- you felt unseen
- you felt ashamed
- you felt unprotected
- you were robbed of celebration
- you were emotionally blindsided
- you lost trust in the moment
Call it what it was:
It wasn’t the holiday that traumatised you — it was the person.
This immediately frees the holiday from being linked to pain.
2. Detach the day from the past
Your brain connected certain dates with:
- tension
- disappointment
- fear
- sabotage
- emotional unpredictability
This is called associative memory.
To break it, you must create a new association.
Example for Christmas:
Old association → conflict, ruining, walking on eggshells
New association → warmth, chosen people, peace, your own rituals
You don’t overwrite trauma with willpower —
you overwrite it with new experiences.
3. Create NEW rituals that are yours and yours alone
This is the healing magic.
A ritual can be:
- one special food you make
- one candle you light
- one place you go
- one outfit you wear
- one song you play
- one activity that feels like you
Rituals tell your nervous system:
“This day is safe now. It belongs to me.”
Even tiny rituals create massive emotional rewiring.
4. Reduce the emotional load on the day
Holidays become painful when there is:
- pressure
- expectation
- the need for everything to be perfect
- fear of disappointment
Take the pressure off.
Tell yourself:
“This is just a day of comfort, not performance.”
Joy returns when the fear leaves.
5. Build a “protective bubble” around your future holidays
This means:
- only inviting people who bring peace
- excluding anyone who sabotages
- keeping the day simple and calm
- having backup plans to avoid feeling trapped
- planning in advance to avoid stress
Healthy boundaries around the day = emotional safety.
When you feel safe, joy comes naturally.
6. Don’t try to recreate “what should have happened” — create what YOU want now
Trying to fix past disappointments leads to more disappointment.
Instead:
- build a new version
- your version
- your atmosphere
- your tempo
- your expectations
- your theme
You’re not restoring the past —
you’re creating something that never existed before.
This brings peace and empowerment.
7. Make the day smaller before making it bigger
If a holiday has a painful history, don’t overwhelm yourself with huge plans.
Start with:
- a quiet dinner
- a relaxed morning
- a walk
- a movie
- a small treat
- a moment of gratitude
Once your nervous system learns that the day is calm and safe,
then you can expand it into bigger celebrations.
Healing happens in layers, not in leaps.
8. Include people who genuinely celebrate you
Consciously choose the people who will be present — physically or emotionally.
People who:
- don’t compete with you
- don’t sabotage
- don’t turn the day into drama
- want you happy
- know how to share joy
The right people transform the emotional atmosphere instantly.
Without saboteurs present, your nervous system finally relaxes.
9. Give yourself permission to grieve what was lost
Ruined holidays leave a wound:
- lost memories
- lost moments
- lost expectations
- lost versions of yourself
Allowing grief makes space for joy.
You can literally tell yourself:
“Those holidays were stolen from me.
But I can reclaim them now, and I will.”
Grief clears the emotional floor for joy to enter.
10. Celebrate your freedom
When you realise:
- you’re no longer controlled
- no one can ruin it now
- you get to decide who has access
- you get to build the entire day your way
— that’s when joy comes back naturally.
Freedom feels like joy.
Joy feels like reclaiming power.
Every year you repeat your new rituals, the old trauma fades.
11. Give your future self a gift: a new tradition to look forward to
The best way to heal a painful date is to create anticipation.
Example:
- Christmas = your favourite bakery trip
- Birthday = spa day
- Valentine’s = candlelit bath + self-love ritual
- New Year = vision board
- Easter = meal with chosen family
Your brain starts looking forward instead of dreading.
12. Heal in layers, not all at once
You don’t need to magically feel joyful on every future holiday.
You just need:
- one good moment
- one good hour
- one good ritual
- one good memory
This begins the rewrite.
A little joy repeatedly becomes a whole new emotional landscape.
The truth:
You’re not broken.
The holidays weren’t cursed.
Someone else’s behaviour infected special moments with trauma.
But now you’re free.
And free people can rebuild joy from the ground up — and make it even stronger.
And you deserve that joy.
Wow!!! Powerful stuff and so useful. So much resonated with me. Thank you 😀
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