One of the strangest things about healing from abuse is not the trauma itself — it’s the people around you who suddenly become experts on your life.
“Just move on.”
“You should be over it by now.”
“You’ll be remarried in a year!”
“Don’t let it bother you.”
“Just forget it.”
Just. Just. Just.
As if healing were a light switch.
As if decades of abuse could be erased with a motivational quote and a glass of wine.
This is what happens when people with zero knowledge of trauma try to offer advice: they speak from their world, not yours.
The Neuroscience of “Not So Fast”
Your brain isn’t slow.
It’s not dramatic.
It’s not dwelling.
It’s recalibrating.
Trauma changes your nervous system.
Years of gaslighting, fear, tension, and emotional chaos taught your brain to survive — not to relax.
So healing is not “moving on.”
It’s rewiring neural pathways that were shaped by pain.
And no cheerful friend, neighbour, or amateur therapist from the supermarket queue can speed that up.
Why Their Advice Is So Harmful
People who say,
“Just get over it,”
aren’t bad — they’re uninformed.
They don’t understand that trauma sits in the body, not just the mind.
They don’t understand that your nervous system needs time to trust again.
They don’t understand that after years of being silenced, dismissed, or controlled, pressure to “hurry up” feels like more of the same.
Healing is not a race.
And anyone who tries to put you on a timetable is showing you how little they know.
Recalibrating: What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing after abuse looks like:
- sleeping when your body needs rest
- crying when a memory surfaces
- laughing on the days when joy finally returns
- choosing people who feel safe
- avoiding chaos
- learning to listen to your gut again
- taking breaks
- taking your power back
- building a life on calm, not fear
Healing is slow, rhythmic, and deeply personal.
It’s your brain coming back online after years of chaos.
It’s your body learning safety, step by step.
It’s your heart learning that softness won’t always be punished.
Your Pace Is the Only Pace
You get to decide the speed of your recovery — not the people who watched from the outside.
If you’re healing slowly, you’re healing correctly.
If you’re resting, you’re recovering.
If you’re cautious, you’re wise.
If you’re taking it day by day, your nervous system thanks you.
Anyone who says you’ll be “remarried next year” is projecting their reality onto your trauma. It’s nonsense.
You don’t need a wedding — you need peace.
The Only Rules Are Yours
You can:
- take your time
- take a break
- take a deep breath
- take back control
- take life at exactly the speed that feels safe
Healing is not about impressing anyone.
It’s about rebuilding yourself so powerfully that you never settle for pain again.
You are not behind.
You are not slow.
You are not weak.
You are recalibrating.
At your own pace.
In your own rhythm.
In your own truth.
And that’s the only advice worth listening to.
