By Linda C. J. Turner | Trauma Therapist & Neuroscience Practitioner
© LindaCJTurner.com
You’ve been there before — waiting for warmth that never came.
Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day — those moments meant for connection and shared joy.
But instead of laughter or tenderness, you were met with silence, withdrawal, criticism, or worse — emotional manipulation disguised as “honesty.”
You told yourself they were tired, stressed, or just not expressive. You gave the benefit of the doubt because that’s what kind, empathic people do.
But deep down, each ignored celebration chipped away at your nervous system’s sense of safety and belonging.
1. When Emotional Neglect Becomes ‘Normal’
When love is withheld long enough, the brain adapts.
Your nervous system learns that emotional starvation is the baseline.
🧠 Neuroscience insight:
The amygdala — the brain’s emotional alarm — becomes hyperaware of cues for rejection. The reward centers (dopamine pathways) quiet down, expecting disappointment instead of joy.
This is how enmeshment forms: you stay connected to the hope of change, not to the reality of the relationship.
2. The Cycle of Emotional Gaslighting
In toxic dynamics, the moments that should bond you are often used to break you.
When you express hurt about being ignored, you’re told:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“It’s just a day.”
“You expect too much.”
That’s gaslighting — the systematic dismissal of your emotional reality.
Over time, it rewires your brain to doubt your perception and to suppress valid needs for connection and reciprocity.
3. The Turning Point: Recognition
And then, something shifts.
You start to see it.
What once felt “normal” now feels painful, empty, wrong.
That’s your nervous system recovering — regaining access to emotional truth.
🧠 As the prefrontal cortex (the rational, observing brain) re-engages, you begin to distinguish love from control, affection from appeasement, and connection from co-dependence.
You realise:
“This isn’t love — it’s conditioning.”
4. Choosing Joy Without Permission
Healing begins when you stop seeking warmth from cold places.
You no longer need someone else’s reaction to validate your celebration.
The nervous system thrives on co-regulation — but only with those who can mirror joy, not punish it.
There are people — genuine, emotionally available people — who will:
- Smile when you smile.
- Celebrate your wins without competition.
- Offer love freely, not conditionally.
Their nervous systems are safe for yours.
5. Your New Normal
This time, you won’t shrink to fit someone else’s absence.
You won’t explain away indifference.
You won’t chase connection through conflict.
Because now you recognise the signs — the silence, the withdrawal, the twisted logic — and your brain, your body, your heart all whisper the same truth:
“I’ve been there before. I’m not going back.”
Closing Reflection
The greatest healing isn’t in forgiving the past; it’s in refusing to repeat it.
Your joy deserves witnesses who mirror it — not people who mute it.
Surround yourself with warmth that expands you, not coldness that shrinks you.
Because love, in its true form, celebrates with you.
And that’s the kind of love your nervous system was designed for.
