By Linda Carol
When someone tells you, “In a year you’ll both have moved on,” while you’re still reeling from trauma or even ongoing harassment, it can feel like a slap.
It sounds well-meaning on the surface — a gesture toward healing or optimism — but underneath, it’s a subtle act of emotional erasure.
Why do people say things like this?
And why does it hurt so deeply when they do?
🧠 The Brain’s Need for Comfort Over Truth
Human beings are wired to seek psychological safety — not just in our environment, but in our beliefs.
When a family member hears about abuse within their circle, their brain experiences cognitive dissonance: a clash between what they want to believe (“our family is good, loving, normal”) and what reality is showing them (that harm was done).
That mental conflict activates stress circuits in the anterior cingulate cortex, the same area that lights up when we feel social pain or rejection. To calm that discomfort, their prefrontal cortex rushes in to rewrite the story — to make it neat, safe, symmetrical.
So instead of facing the raw truth, the brain creates a soothing shortcut:
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“They both made mistakes.”
“Time will heal it.”
This isn’t empathy — it’s self-protection disguised as optimism.
💭 The Fairness Illusion: “It Takes Two”
Most people are deeply uncomfortable holding asymmetry — one person as victim, the other as aggressor.
The mind prefers balance. Psychologists call this symmetry bias — the tendency to assume equal responsibility even when the facts say otherwise.
By flattening the story into “You’ll both move on,” the listener restores internal harmony. It allows them to feel fair, neutral, and calm.
But for the survivor, it lands as denial — the quiet echo of the abuser’s narrative.
💔 Why It Hurts So Much
When your reality is minimized, your brain registers it as rejection.
Functional MRI studies show that social invalidation activates the same neural pain pathways as a physical wound. The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex doesn’t distinguish between being hit and being emotionally dismissed.
That’s why these moments sting long after the conversation ends.
You’re not “too sensitive” — your nervous system is responding to a deep violation of truth.
⚖️ The Family System’s Need for Normal
In family systems psychology, every family has a built-in drive for homeostasis — a return to normality, even if that normality was unhealthy.
When one member exposes dysfunction, the system wobbles. To stabilize, others may pressure the truth-teller to soften, forgive, or move on — not because they’re cruel, but because the chaos of truth feels unbearable.
“In a year you’ll both have moved on” often translates to:
“Please stop reminding me that our family isn’t what I thought it was.”
Their words aren’t about your healing — they’re about their equilibrium.
🪷 Understanding This Brings Freedom
Recognizing this dynamic doesn’t make it less painful, but it does make it clearer.
When someone minimizes your trauma:
- It reflects their capacity, not your credibility.
- It signals their limits, not your exaggeration.
- It reveals their need for comfort, not your need to let go.
You don’t have to educate, convince, or correct them.
You only need to keep living in alignment with the truth your body already knows.
🌱 How to Protect Your Peace
- Translate their words: Hear “They can’t face this truth yet” instead of “My pain isn’t real.”
- Save your truth for people who can hold it without fear — trauma-informed friends, therapists, or communities who understand.
- Ground yourself after invalidation: deep exhale, feet on floor, remind yourself: I’m safe now. I know what happened.
- Keep perspective: their denial may soften over time, but your healing doesn’t depend on it.
💖 In the End
Healing from abuse means not only disentangling from the abuser’s control — it also means releasing the family’s denial.
You may lose their understanding for a while, but you gain something far greater: your clarity, your voice, and your nervous system’s steady return to peace.
So when someone says, “In a year you’ll both have moved on,” you can smile gently — not in agreement, but in recognition.
You now understand that they’re speaking from their fear, while you’re speaking from your truth.
And truth, in time, always wins.
