When a family member says something like “In a year, you’ll both have moved on” — while you’re still processing trauma or even enduring harassment — it can feel invalidating, even shocking.
From psychology and neuroscience, this kind of response tells us a lot about how the human brain avoids discomfort, how social cognition works, and why people often side with the narrative of the abuser without realizing it.
Below is a full, research-informed article that explains what’s happening under the surface.
🧠 The Psychology and Neuroscience Behind Minimizing Abuse:
“In a year, you’ll both have moved on”
1. The Need for Cognitive Comfort (Cognitive Dissonance)
When someone hears about abuse — especially from within their own family — it threatens their inner sense of safety and coherence.
Their brain wants to believe the world is fair, that people they know are “good,” and that bad things only happen for understandable reasons.
So when faced with the idea that someone they know (like your ex) is capable of cruelty, control, or stalking, their brain experiences cognitive dissonance — an uncomfortable clash between:
- “He’s my brother/son/friend — I know him!”
and - “He’s done things that sound abusive or criminal.”
To reduce that discomfort, their mind unconsciously takes an “easier” route:
“It’s not that bad.”
“They just need time.”
“Both sides need to move on.”
This process is not empathy-based, but self-protective. It allows the family member’s brain to restore internal balance — at your expense.
Neuroscience note:
The anterior cingulate cortex and insula, areas involved in processing social pain and empathy, light up when we perceive unfairness or threat to our worldview.
To calm that discomfort, the prefrontal cortex often “rationalizes” away the conflict — creating soothing narratives (“They’ll both move on”) instead of confronting harsh truths.
2. The Bystander’s Defense: Avoidance of Emotional Pain
People often cannot emotionally tolerate the thought that:
- Abuse happened right under their nose.
- They missed the signs.
- They didn’t protect someone they care about.
So, instead of facing that guilt, they unconsciously protect themselves by minimizing or reframing the situation.
This is called defensive avoidance or empathic numbing.
It’s not that they don’t care — it’s that their limbic system (emotional brain) can’t regulate the distress of facing it.
So their empathy short-circuits. They default to “normality bias”: assuming things will naturally resolve in time.
3. The Comfort of Symmetry Bias (“Both sides”)
Humans crave fairness and symmetry. It feels simpler to believe “it takes two” than to face the reality that one person deliberately caused harm.
This is a cognitive distortion known as symmetry bias or false equivalence.
In the brain, it’s linked to the default mode network (DMN) — the system that constructs meaning and story. The DMN seeks narrative closure.
So instead of holding a complex, painful story (“One person is a victim; the other is an abuser”), the mind reshapes it into something digestible:
“They both played a part.”
“They’ll both heal with time.”
That “story” soothes the listener — but erases your experience.
4. Mirror Neurons and Emotional Detachment
In normal empathy, mirror neurons (in the inferior frontal gyrus and parietal lobe) allow us to feel another’s pain.
But when emotional or relational loyalties are divided — as in families — the brain inhibits full mirroring to protect itself from conflict.
So, a family member unconsciously suppresses empathy for you if feeling it would threaten their bond with the abuser or their own self-image (“I’m a good, moral person who has a good family”).
They “mirror” the abuser’s calm rationalization instead — not your pain.
It’s a subtle but powerful neurological coping mechanism.
5. Social Homeostasis: The Family System’s Desire for Equilibrium
From family systems psychology:
When one member exposes dysfunction (abuse, control, betrayal), the whole system feels destabilized.
Families often unconsciously prioritize stability over truth — even if that means silencing or minimizing the abused member.
This is called homeostatic pull — the family’s psychological attempt to “return to normal.”
So when a relative says “In a year you’ll both have moved on,” what they may really mean neurologically is:
“Please let things feel normal again. My nervous system can’t handle this chaos.”
6. The Trauma Perspective: Why This Hurts So Much
If you’ve been abused, your nervous system is already on high alert, craving validation and safety.
When someone minimizes your reality, it activates the same neural pain pathways as physical injury — particularly the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex.
It’s not just upsetting — it’s physiologically painful.
Your brain reads their minimization as rejection and erasure of your lived experience.
That’s why comments like “You’ll both move on” can feel like being gaslighted all over again.
💬 What This Means Emotionally
Their statement isn’t about your healing — it’s about their discomfort.
They are speaking from their nervous system’s need for emotional safety, not from your reality.
But that doesn’t mean you have to internalize their version of events.
You can silently reframe it as:
“They don’t have the capacity to face what really happened yet.
I don’t need their understanding to keep healing.”
🧩 How to Protect Your Mind and Energy
- Emotionally translate minimizing comments
- Instead of “They’re invalidating me,” hear “Their brain can’t handle this truth.”
- It still hurts, but you can detach from taking it personally.
- Limit deep emotional sharing with minimizers
- They may not have the bandwidth for trauma reality.
- Save that for trauma-informed people — therapist, support group, trusted friend.
- Anchor yourself in validation
- Journaling, trauma therapy, or a witness (friend or counselor) who says:“You are not crazy. What happened was real.”
- This helps the hippocampus consolidate truth, reducing trauma looping.
- Watch for re-triggering
- Comments like “you’ll both move on” can reawaken threat signals in your nervous system.
- Practice grounding right after (deep exhale, name what’s real in the room, remind yourself: I’m safe now).
- Know that their empathy may grow later
- As you stabilize and their own defenses relax, some family members do come to see the truth.
- But your healing can’t depend on their awakening.
🪷 In Summary
| What They Say | What’s Really Happening in Their Brain | Effect on You |
|---|---|---|
| “You’ll both move on.” | Cognitive dissonance; emotional avoidance; need for normality | Feels like minimization, erasure |
| “It takes two.” | Symmetry bias; fairness heuristic | Reopens trauma, induces guilt |
| “He seems fine now.” | Empathy suppression; homeostatic pull | Confusion, invalidation |
| “You’re still talking about it?” | Fatigue, avoidance of discomfort | Shame, isolation |
Your nervous system wants truth and safety — theirs wants comfort and equilibrium.
That’s why your healing often requires emotional distance from those who can’t face reality yet.
