If intimidation (threats, legal bluster, looming consequences) doesn’t get the response the abuser wants, they often switch to insults and verbal abuse. Here’s a clear, short psychology + neuroscience explanation and practical guidance you can use.
Why they switch to insults — psychology
- Goal-oriented control. The point of both intimidation and insults is the same: to change your behaviour or emotional state. If threats don’t move you, insults are a fallback tactic because they can provoke guilt, shame, anger, or withdrawal — all of which can make a person easier to manipulate.
- Weaponizing social norms. Insults attack your social standing and values (e.g., “you’re selfish,” “you’re overreacting”). That pressures many people to defend themselves, apologise, or back down.
- Escalation and testing. When one tactic fails, abusers escalate or test a different route to see what works. Verbal attacks can be faster and lower-cost for them than following through on legal threats.
- Projection and deflection. Insults often shift attention away from the abuser’s behaviour (blame you instead), reducing their accountability and making you react emotionally — which is exactly what they want.
Why insults hurt — neuroscience (brief, cautious)
- Social pain uses the same circuits as physical pain. Brain regions such as the anterior cingulate cortex and insula respond to social rejection and insult; that’s why insults feel physically painful.
- Stress systems activate. Insults trigger the amygdala (threat detection) and HPA axis (cortisol release), producing anxiety, hypervigilance, and impaired decision-making.
- Prefrontal control can be hijacked. Under stress, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for calm reasoning and impulse control) becomes less effective, making it harder to respond calmly or to plan. Abusers rely on this — they provoke you when your ability to think clearly is lowest.
- Short-term reward for the abuser. Verbal domination can release small bursts of dopamine for an aggressor (feeling “in control”), reinforcing the behaviour.
Practical steps you can take
- Don’t take the bait. Short, neutral replies or no reply at all remove the emotional reward they’re seeking.
- Set and enforce boundaries in writing. If you must interact, use brief written responses that stick to facts and consequences (dates, actions) — emotion-free.
- Document everything. Save messages, record dates/times, keep witnesses’ names. This undermines bluffing later.
- Use a support buffer. Have someone trusted read/respond on your behalf if communications continue.
- Avoid private one-on-one escalation. Move conversations to channels that create a record or involve a mediator/lawyer if needed.
- Self-care for the brain. After an interaction, do grounding, breathe, step outside, or do something routine to help your prefrontal cortex recover.
- Get professional/legal advice if threats recur. Repeated legal threats or harassment may be harassment or abuse under the law where you are.
