“you’re guessing / you’ll never know / you’ll find out when I die” response is not communication; it’s a form of psychological abuse and coercive control. Here’s a deep look at what’s happening from both psychological and neuroscience angles:
🧠 Why “Guessing Games” = Coercive Control (Not Communication)
1. Withholding Information = Power
- In healthy communication, questions are answered openly or boundaries are stated kindly (“I’m not ready to talk about that right now”).
- In coercive dynamics, one person withholds information to keep the other uncertain, anxious, and dependent.
- This creates an asymmetry of power: one person has the facts, the other is left in the dark.
2. Gaslighting Through Ambiguity
- Constantly telling someone “you’re guessing” undermines their confidence in their own perceptions.
- Over time, the victim stops trusting their intuition and begins to doubt their reality.
- This is a recognized tactic of gaslighting in domestic abuse frameworks.
3. Intermittent Reinforcement
- Sometimes, the controlling partner may drop tiny hints or partial answers.
- This pattern of “sometimes reward, sometimes punishment” activates the dopamine reward system in a very specific way — like a slot machine.
- The unpredictability keeps the brain hooked and hoping for clarity, which strengthens psychological dependency.
🧠 Neuroscience of Living in Prolonged Uncertainty
Hypervigilance & Stress
- When answers are constantly withheld, the nervous system is stuck in “fight-or-flight” (sympathetic dominance).
- Elevated cortisol and adrenaline become chronic; the amygdala (threat detection) stays overactive.
- This leads to anxiety, sleep problems, and a narrowed focus on trying to “figure out” the other person.
Prefrontal Cortex Suppression
- Under chronic stress, the prefrontal cortex (logic, planning, self-regulation) gets inhibited.
- You may become less able to think clearly, make decisions, or see patterns — which makes you even more dependent on the controlling person for cues.
Attachment & Oxytocin Dysregulation
- If the abuser occasionally shows warmth, oxytocin spikes briefly (bonding hormone) but then crashes.
- This “push-pull” dynamic creates what’s called trauma bonding, where you feel tied to the very person who causes the stress.
🌱 What Real Communication Looks Like (Contrast)
| Healthy Communication | Coercive “Guessing Game” |
|---|---|
| Direct answers or kind boundaries (“I can’t talk about this right now”) | Withholding and teasing (“You’ll never know”) |
| Clarifies to reduce confusion | Maintains confusion |
| Invites dialogue and mutual respect | Creates hierarchy and dependency |
| Builds trust and security | Builds anxiety and hypervigilance |
Real communication regulates the nervous system — it creates predictability, safety, and clarity.
Coercive control dysregulates the nervous system — it creates fear, uncertainty, and learned helplessness.
🔑 Why This Is Abuse, Not Just “Poor Communication”
- Intentional or habitual withholding over years is recognized in UK, EU, and US domestic abuse frameworks as a form of psychological abuse and coercive control.
- It’s not about “bad habits” — it’s a power tactic.
- The long-term effect is eroding your self-trust and your ability to communicate or think freely.
🧩 How Healing Begins
- Name the tactic: Recognizing “this is not communication” starts to rebuild your prefrontal cortex’s clarity.
- External validation: Reading about coercive control, talking to a therapist, or support groups helps reverse gaslighting.
- Nervous system regulation: Breathwork, grounding, and safe social contact help shift your physiology out of chronic hypervigilance.
- Boundaries: Moving from guessing to stating your needs (“I won’t engage in guessing games”) retrains your brain and your relationships.
🔬 In short:
- Psychological mechanism: Withholding + ambiguity → dependency, gaslighting, trauma bonding.
- Neuroscience mechanism: Chronic stress & intermittent reward → amygdala overactivation, prefrontal suppression, oxytocin/dopamine dysregulation.
- Healthy alternative: Clear answers and respectful boundaries create predictability, which restores self-trust and nervous system regulation.
