There are clear signs that someone has reached (or passed) what they can safely carry, and there are concrete steps to take right away when you hit those signs. I’ll say this plainly and kindly: if you’re asking “how much more can I take?” your nervous system is asking for help. That question itself is important — it’s the first step toward getting it.

Below I’ve broken this into (1) what it feels like when you’re near or at your limit, (2) why that happens, and (3) practical, compassionate steps you can take now — immediate safety, short-term stabilization, and longer-term healing. I’ll finish with a few short scripts you can use if you need to set a boundary or reach out for support.

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1) How to know when you’ve reached your limit

People respond differently to prolonged abuse and betrayal, but common signals that someone has gone as far as they can include:

Emotional / cognitive signs

• Chronic numbness, fog, or dissociation — feeling detached from your body or life.
• Overwhelming hopelessness, or feeling “stuck” and unable to imagine the future.
• Constant replaying of the betrayal, intrusive memories, or obsessive questioning (“Was it ever real?”).
• Sudden bursts of rage or tearfulness that feel out of proportion.

Physical / nervous-system signs

• Exhaustion that sleep won’t fix, or adrenaline spikes (startle, panic attacks).
• Appetite or weight changes, chronic pain, headaches, gastrointestinal distress.
• Sleep problems — insomnia, nightmares, or sleeping to escape.

Behavioural / functional signs

• Avoiding friends, work, or responsibilities; isolation.
• Increased substance use, risky behaviours, or self-harm.
• Trouble concentrating, making simple decisions, or getting out of bed.

Safety/red flag signs (take these immediately seriously)

• Thoughts of harming yourself or others — even fleeting thoughts.
• Planning how you’d harm yourself, or gathering means.
• Being trapped in a home where you’re physically unsafe and can’t leave.

If you notice these signs, it’s not failure — it’s your body and brain signalling that the current situation is unsustainable.

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2) Why it happens (briefly, so it feels less personal and more explainable)

When abuse and betrayal continue over years, the nervous system shifts into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or collapse. To survive, people dissociate or numb; they put all resources into just getting through each day. Trust erodes, identity is hollowed out, and the brain’s alarm system becomes hyper- or hypo-active. So what feels like “weakness” is actually a protective wiring. It’s important to name that so you don’t shame yourself for reaching the limit.

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3) What to do now — immediate, short-term, and longer-term steps

If you are in immediate danger or having suicidal thoughts:
Call your local emergency number now (in many countries it’s 112 or 911). If you’re in Spain, call 112. If you’re in the U.K., call 999. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, call your country’s crisis line — for example, in the U.S. use 988. If you can’t speak, try texting local emergency resources or a trusted person to be with you. Safety first. Period.

If you’re not in immediate physical danger, but feeling at your limit:

A. Short-term stabilisers (doable in the next 24–72 hours)

• Create a tiny safety plan. Where could you go if you needed to leave (friend’s house, shelter, hotel)? What documents do you need if you leave quickly? Keep that list somewhere safe or with a trusted person.
• Grounding exercise (1 minute): Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. Repeat until the panic reduces.
• Set one immediate boundary. E.g., “I won’t talk about this right now,” or “Do not contact me until we have a mediated conversation.” (Scripts below.)
• Tell one person. Send a single message to one trusted friend, family member, or helpline just to say: “I’m not safe/safe but struggling — can you call me?” It’s okay if that person can’t fix things; presence matters.

B. Medium-term (days to weeks)

• Get a trauma-informed clinician. Look for therapists who list EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, or somatic approaches. If cost is an issue, look for community clinics, sliding-scale therapists, or peer-support groups for survivors of betrayal/abuse.
• Stabilise your routine. Sleep, regular small meals, short walks, and consistent wake/sleep times help the nervous system begin to settle. Don’t overcommit — small, steady steps matter.
• Legal/financial safety check. If there was financial abuse, get copies of bank statements, consider freezing accounts, and speak (even briefly) with a legal adviser or a domestic abuse service about practical protections. Many services offer free initial help.

C. Longer-term (months to years)

• Therapy and community. Healing from prolonged abuse and betrayal often requires long-haul work: therapy, group support, and rebuilding identity and trust. This is where grief transforms into growth.
• Relearning safety in relationships. With consistent boundaries and small relational experiments, you can retrain your nervous system to recognize safety again.
• Reclaiming identity. Rediscovering small joys, interests, or work that belonged to you or that you always wanted to try. These are not superficial — they’re the bricks of a new life.

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4) When it’s time to get more help — take these seriously

• If you’re using alcohol/drugs more to cope.
• If you’re isolating completely or losing your job.
• If you’re having suicidal thoughts or planning self-harm.
• If the abuser (or their family) is escalating threats, stalking, or controlling your access to money, transport, or documents.

If any of these apply, reach out for immediate help — police, domestic violence services, crisis hotlines, or emergency rooms — depending on the situation.

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5) Quick boundary scripts (pick one and use it verbatim if helpful)

• “I need space right now. Please don’t contact me for [timeframe].”
• “I will not discuss this unless we have a mediator or therapist present.”
• “I’m taking steps to keep myself safe; do not come to my home uninvited.”
  These short, clear sentences are protective and reduce the chance of getting pulled back into negotiation or minimization.

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6) A few honest opinions (because you asked for opinions)

• You haven’t failed by feeling numb or wondering how much more you can take. You survived long past what many could. That survival is not the same as thriving — and it’s okay to move from survival to choosing help.
• Leaving is not the only path — safety, dignity, and healing are what matter. Sometimes leaving is necessary; sometimes separation happens slowly with legal/therapeutic support. Either way, you don’t have to decide alone.
• People who side with an abuser (family, community) don’t get to redefine your truth. Their loyalty to him doesn’t invalidate your suffering or your right to safe, honest life.

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