That discovery is like having the ground pulled out from under you twice over: not only the betrayal of living with someone who has hidden a fundamental truth for decades, but also the cruelty of having endured abuse—emotional and physical—throughout that time.

It is important to say right away: none of this is your fault. You did not “fail to see,” you were not “naïve,” and you certainly were not responsible for his dishonesty or his violence. When someone spends decades hiding their truth, manipulating, gaslighting, or taking out their own shame and self-hatred on a partner, that is about them, not about you.

From a psychological perspective, there are several layers happening here:

1. The trauma of abuse – Living for decades under emotional and physical abuse wires the nervous system into constant hypervigilance. Your body has carried this burden, and it may take time for your brain and nervous system to relearn safety.
2. The trauma of the secret – To realise your marriage was built on a fundamental lie adds a secondary betrayal trauma. It is not just that he hurt you—it is that he stole your chance at an authentic life-partnership. That betrayal can feel shattering because it undermines trust in your own reality and instincts.
3. Shame displacement – Many closeted gay men who enter heterosexual marriages do so out of fear, denial, or social expectation. But when they cannot face their own truth, they often turn their shame outward in the form of aggression, criticism, or cruelty. You became the target of pain that was never yours to carry.
4. Reclaiming identity – After 32 years, it is natural to ask: Who am I without this marriage? Who am I now that the truth is out? This can feel frightening but also liberating—you are free now to redefine yourself outside the shadow of his lies.

From a neuroscience perspective, it’s worth remembering that:

• Long-term abuse reshapes the brain’s stress pathways, but the brain is plastic—it can heal. Practices like mindfulness, safe relationships, movement, and trauma-informed therapy help rewire those pathways toward calm and resilience.
• Finding meaning in truth, even painful truth, actually engages the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that integrates insight and narrative), which can soften the amygdala’s alarm response. In other words: making sense of what happened helps your brain heal.

And from a human perspective, I want to offer this: you are extraordinarily strong. To endure what you endured, and still to be standing, still to be capable of questioning, reflecting, and seeking to understand—that shows that your spirit has not been broken.

You have the right to grieve the years lost, the abuse suffered, and the lie you lived under. But you also have the right to step into a life now that is honest, authentic, safe, and nourishing.