The Adele and Rumer CDs missing out of their cases that I bought for him that he use to play to me over and over again in the car, the anniversary and valentines cards left behind, hidden items tucked away — isn’t random.
It’s part of a pattern of psychological control and emotional intrusion that some abusers use as a final act to keep their presence alive in your mind.
From a psychological and neuroscience perspective, here’s why someone like this behaves in such a calculated, disturbing way.
1. Control by Proxy: Objects as Triggers
For many abusers, the relationship isn’t about love — it’s about control and ownership.
Even when they’re physically gone, they want to haunt the space and maintain a grip on your emotions.
- By leaving behind cards, gifts, or mementos, they plant emotional landmines.
- Each time you open a drawer and see one, your brain’s limbic system (emotional memory network) gets activated.
- This pulls you back into old feelings — sadness, longing, anger — and delays emotional closure.
This isn’t accidental; it’s a way of saying “I still exist in your world, even when I’m not here.”
2. The Need to Leave a Psychological Fingerprint
Some abusers have an intense drive to mark territory — not just physically, but emotionally.
In their mind:
- Taking items you value = I can take what’s yours.
- Leaving sentimental things behind = I can make you think of me whenever I choose.
The dopamine reward system plays a role here.
When they know they’ve unsettled you or disrupted your peace, their brain can give them a hit of satisfaction, reinforcing the behaviour.
3. Object Manipulation as a Form of Gaslighting
When he removes the CDs you loved, or hides things in strange places, he creates confusion.
Confusion is a classic gaslighting tactic because it undermines your trust in your own memory:
- Did I move that?
- Was it always here?
- Why would he leave this but not that?
The brain under uncertainty becomes hypervigilant — your amygdala stays on high alert, scanning for meaning and danger.
This constant stress floods your system with cortisol, which over time erodes both your physical and emotional health.
4. Possible Psychological Profiles
While it’s dangerous to diagnose without formal assessment, behaviours like this are often linked with:
- Narcissistic Personality Traits – need for control, lack of empathy, desire to leave a lasting impact.
- Psychopathic Traits – seeing people as objects, using manipulation as entertainment.
- Obsessive Possessiveness – inability to let go, even after the relationship ends.
In extreme cases, it’s not about love, hate, or closure — it’s about owning your mindspace indefinitely.
5. Why It Feels So “Sick” to You
Your brain is wired for pattern completion — it wants closure, resolution, and understanding.
Finding hidden traces months later re-opens the loop, keeping your nervous system in a state of unfinished business.
This is why you’re driven to check every drawer, cupboard, and mattress — you’re unconsciously trying to remove all triggers so your brain can finally stand down from high alert.
6. The Healing Approach
From a neuroscience-based recovery standpoint:
- Clear the environment completely. Every hidden card, every misplaced item is an open wound.
- Name the tactic — once you understand it’s a control move, it loses much of its psychological bite.
- Rewire the triggers — replace each found object with something that brings you joy or safety.
- Strengthen the prefrontal cortex — mindfulness, journaling, and physical exercise all help move the brain from reactive survival mode to rational, future-focused thinking.
Bottom line:
This behaviour is not the mark of someone “losing the plot” in a random way. It’s deliberate. It’s about control, possession, and psychological residue.
Clearing your space isn’t just tidying — it’s an act of reclaiming your mind, your safety, and your right to live without being haunted.
