Imagine standing face to face with the person who once put their hands around your neck. The memory haunts your nervous system. Your body remembers, even when your brain tries to forget. You bring it up, needing acknowledgment, apology, accountability. Instead, you hear:
“Yeah, but I only did it once!”
“Stop bringing it up all the time!”
And just like that, your experience is dismissed, the trauma invalidated, and the danger minimized.
🚨 The Science: Why “Only Once” Is Still Lethal
Strangulation — even a single incident — is one of the strongest predictors of future homicide in intimate partner violence cases.
According to the Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention:
- Victims of one non-fatal strangulation incident are 750% more likely to be murdered by the same partner later.
- It takes as little as 4.5 kg (10 lbs) of pressure on the carotid arteries for just 10 seconds to cause unconsciousness.
- Brain damage can begin in under a minute, and death can occur within minutes — even delayed hours or days later due to internal damage.
There is nothing casual, excusable, or forgettable about an act that has the same mechanics as murder.
🧬 The Brain’s Reaction to Strangulation
Strangulation is not just physical violence — it is a neurological assault:
- The vagus nerve, which regulates many bodily functions including breathing and heart rate, can be disrupted — causing fainting, dizziness, long-term anxiety or panic attacks.
- Lack of oxygen to the brain can lead to mild to severe traumatic brain injury (TBI) — resulting in memory loss, headaches, speech issues, and emotional dysregulation.
- The amygdala (fear center of the brain) becomes hyperactive after a traumatic event like strangulation. This causes hypervigilance, flashbacks, and an inability to feel safe, even in seemingly calm moments.
So when you bring it up, it’s not “just talking about the past.”
It’s your brain and body demanding healing, validation, and protection from a threat that once felt life-threatening — because it was.
🧠The Psychology of Dismissal: “Why Are You Still Talking About That?”
When someone responds to a traumatic event they caused with defensiveness, minimization, or aggression, it’s often about self-preservation, not care for the victim.
- They want the memory erased because it makes them uncomfortable.
- They feel shame, but instead of facing it, they project blame or guilt back onto you.
- They reduce the gravity of the act (“once”) to preserve their self-image, not your safety.
But here’s the truth:
One act of strangulation isn’t just one mistake — it’s a window into their capacity for lethal violence.
If they’ve never apologized, never shown remorse, never taken steps to seek help, and never acknowledged the fear or damage they caused — then it’s not just about what happened that day, but what it revealed about the relationship’s danger.
🪙 “Only Once” Is the Language of Someone Who Has Never Truly Faced What They Did
A person who truly understands the trauma of strangulation doesn’t say,
“It was just once.”
They say:
“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hurt you like that. There is no excuse. I will do whatever it takes to ensure your safety and healing.”
They acknowledge.
They change.
They make space for your pain instead of demanding your silence.
🔄 When They Try to Erase It, You Hold Your Truth Closer
Trauma isn’t healed by time or pretending it never happened. It’s healed through:
- Validation
- Safety
- Support
- Accountability (theirs, not yours)
If you’ve ever been strangled, even once, you do not owe forgiveness or forgetfulness. You owe yourself safety, healing, and the right to speak it out loud — as many times as it takes.
Because your body remembers.
Because your brain was changed by it.
Because silence is the final tool of the abuser — and you are allowed to break it, again and again, until you are free.
