A Psychological Exploration of Why We Choose the Wrong Partner
Someone once asked me:
“Did you marry him because he had money?”
My daughter practically fell over laughing.
“He never had money. You were the one working hard. You earned everything. Unless he’s been secretly stashing it away all your married life!”
Let’s get one thing clear:
We were together for 10 years — and he asked me to marry him.
Even his own sister once said:
“He’s never given me that impression — quite the opposite. He’s always made out he’s brassic and thinks XXXXXXX and I are loaded, when XXXXXXX is working 9-hour days at 72!!”
So, no… it wasn’t money.
It wasn’t good looks.
It wasn’t generosity.
It wasn’t a sparkling sense of humour.
It wasn’t even kindness.
And I’ve asked myself the same question over and over again:
WHY?
Why did I say yes?
Why did I stay?
🧠 The Psychology of “Why We Chose Them”
From a trauma-informed perspective, our romantic decisions are not just about who someone is — but who we were at the time.
We often choose:
- From unmet childhood needs
- From wounds we haven’t yet named
- From a place of survival rather than sovereignty
- From a belief that this — however confusing or chaotic — is what love looks like
Sometimes we choose familiarity, even if it’s painful.
Sometimes we mistake “rescuing” for loving.
And sometimes we say yes not because we were deeply seen — but because we were deeply trained to make it work, no matter what.
💔 The Unconscious Contract
What I know now is this:
There was an emotional contract I didn’t realize I was signing.
One where:
- I provided the stability
- I carried the emotional weight
- I made things look “okay”
- And he got to play the lost boy, misunderstood, underestimated… yet somehow still entitled to everything
He didn’t have money.
He didn’t have charm.
He didn’t have integrity.
But what he did have was just enough confusion, just enough emotional dependency, and just enough performance to make me second-guess myself for years.
💬 So, Why Did I Marry Him?
Because he asked me.
Because I believed him.
Because I hadn’t yet learned to ask the most important question:
“But do I want you — as you truly are — or just the idea of you?”
Because I mistook endurance for loyalty.
Because I thought that if I just gave enough, proved enough, loved enough — maybe, eventually, it would all make sense.
But the truth is, some things only make sense once you leave.
🌿 A Final Word
I didn’t marry for money.
I didn’t marry for romance or looks or status.
I married because somewhere deep inside, I still believed I had to earn love by carrying someone else’s life.
I know better now.
Now I carry myself.
Now I see the patterns.
Now I ask different questions — and live by different answers.
So if you’re asking yourself,
“Why did I marry them?”
Don’t look for the surface-level reasons.
Look for the version of you that didn’t yet know she deserved more.
She’s not to blame — she was surviving.
And now?
Now she’s free.
#WhyDidIMarryHim #TraumaBonds #HealingFromToxicLove #PsychologicalInsight #RealTalkHealing #SelfWorthAwakening #WoundedToWise #EmotionalFreedom #BreakTheCycle #TherapyReflections
